hey upperclassmen..

you know those adorable freshmen, sophomores, and juniors we can't stop talkin about? they might really like to be more than just conversation topics, ya kno? i know that i've probably been the worst at this. i ride the bus every sunday, but i think i spend more time talkin to sammy and slum than the freshmen. x( this was kinda brought up in hindsight during small group, but the underclassmen want to get to know us, but they're intimidated. just remember when we were the underclassmen. i mean, it's nice to say, "yea, call me if you want food cuz i'll totally cook for u!" but how many of us took those offer, no matter how genuine they might have been? i never knew, but one of our girls said that it was intimidating to initiate meetings with upperclassmen. once she said it, it was like, "DUH!" but before that, i didn't realize....

so come on... we can do this~ unity in the body, right? x)

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
~Romans 15:5-6~

i still haven't finished my applications. i have 2 days before they have to be completed AND mailed in. yes, i am a retard...

hmm.. let's see how my last few days have been... completely unproductive

actually, dankim came over for dinner last night. hehe~ but i ended up making him feel really bad b/c i told him that he and danlee made me cry my sophomore year. haha~ it was funny watchin him squirm... muahahaha~ yes, i know i am evil. keke~

now i am at work. it's not so bad. i actually have tons to do. hehe~ just taking a "break."

i have a lot of stuff to do tonight. i hope that this time i actually do it.

i think senioritis has hit me big time. -__-;;

dang.. i've had quite an interesting weekend...let's just say me and girsty bonded in a way that no 2 ppl should ever have to bond in (i love you girsty!! donno what i woulda done without u....seriously), we traumatized a few freshmen boys and poor alex (again), i think i lost about 5 lbs by laughing so hard (i think we should have fred over everday so i could lose weight), and i am very very tired and should be gettin a really good night's rest tonight.

there's something about this apt that makes everyone go crazy.. (except for fred cuz he came to us crazy) xD thanks for a memorable night! haha~

today..
crazy
eye-opening
gut-wrenching
heart-breaking
shocking
speechless
how could i have been so blind?
why didn't i try harder?
spent so much time on trivial things that don't matter now
still holding on to things that don't matter
i'm so selfish!
it hurts...
i shoulda..
i coulda...
but i didn't....
so little time
what do You mean by this?
lesson to be learned?
what now?
head throbbing
heart pounding
nothing else matters
need to pray....

Lord help me to surrender....

coffee makes me gas'y.

sorry hyewon!

i'm on my fourth personal statement guys...
heh, actually workin on my personal statement has brought back many buried memories. a lot of them very funny... this isn't so bad, i guess.
small group was so fun. it was nice to see all of them again. we missed you vicky!
dang... school has really started.......

i don't think i've thanked my parents enough...
i'm working on my law school apps (still) and there is this portion for financial aid where i had to ask my mom about our past income... and now i wonder how they made it this far. my parents went through so much... my daddy especially. all those years when i complained that i couldn't have the clothes/shoes/material things that everyone else had, my daddy was trying so hard to make ends meet. i'm such a loser. here i am spending money on clothes and crap when my daddy is in frickin japan because we get more financial aid if he stays there. in japan, where he's all alone because he wants the best for us even at his own discomfort. he's already 55 years old. he should be retired and just chillin at home w/ my mom. instead, i sit here and moan and groan that i had to work a little to pay for my rent and the other useless expenses that i have. i'm such an ingrate.

Lord thank You for my parents.....

it's amazing how God uses even little things like law school apps to get me thinking how blessed i am.. how lucky i am, and how great i have it. how God has provided me with such a wonderful family, even when i don't recognize them for what they are. even when i complain all the time that they don't do enough for me. He uses even little things like app's to show me how much my parents did for me. how grateful i should be, and how stupid i've been--complaining over something so trivial as filling out applications when my dad is still having to work. not just desk work, but grunt work--the stuff that no one wants to do. being sent to places where he could literally die...

and all i can do is complain that i don't want to write my personal statement...

it's scary how well jae knows me:

X bYuLgZr X: i don't want to work on my personal statement
blakciel: do it!
X bYuLgZr X: :-D
X bYuLgZr X: u can't make me
X bYuLgZr X: haha
blakciel: no morning glory for you!
X bYuLgZr X: xO
X bYuLgZr X: hahahah
X bYuLgZr X: hey!!!

haha~

today was a good day. given, i didn't do anything productive, and i wasted most of my day in bed.. but the time that i was awake was well-spent. xD went to dinner w/ eugene, jae, and hyewon. had some good grubbin, then we went to nrb. keke~ it was much fun. times like these remind me how little time i have left here! craziness... gotta make the most of this semester. the MOST of it!!

i'm so blessed...

haha~ the things kids say these days:

X bYuLgZr X: asian sensation, eh?
AzNxSenZaTion14: yes asian sensation, God's creation

puah~ so cute!

last night, me jae eun and jae kyung went to denny's to get some ice cream. we each got our own things of ice cream. (i got a banana split, they got sundaes). then we ordered a sampler for all of us. the waiter looked at us and jokingly said, "are you guys here to gain weight?" -__-;; but it's all good cuz we had a smashing time. YUM! thanks jae~ xD

now... i know that i've been complaining about my stupid app's forever now... unfortunately, i'm still working on them. *sigh*

i was going to put this up before christmas, but in the midst of everything, i totally forgot... hehe. i just thought this was funny.

awww~ how sweet!

X bYuLgZr X: how was retreat?
ALEXsHYUN: it was fun
ALEXsHYUN: you shoulda gone haej
X bYuLgZr X: thanks alex
ALEXsHYUN: i missed ya out there
X bYuLgZr X: hahaha
X bYuLgZr X: stop kissin butt
X bYuLgZr X: i know u didn't even think twice
ALEXsHYUN: no
ALEXsHYUN: i thought...it would be more fun if haejin was here!

hehehe~ i guess even roaches have their moments *wink*
i'm kidding alex!

i've been a bad girl...
i still haven't finished my app's, but this is what i've been doing...

yesterday, i went and saw Chicago w/ jae eun and jae kyung. it was really good. let me just say *wow* about everyone. dang~ renee zellweger can really move! and i heard that catherine zeta-jones taught her how to dance. and richard gere... he was pretty good too! it was kinda jung shin up suh at times, but still really good. i can't say i really like the message it was portraying, but... i donno. maybe it was meant to make us think about it. two thumbs up. xD

today, i slept for 14 hours. haha~ but i really have a good excuse. i haven't been feeling too well these days..my stomach to be more exact. it's just been doing these crazy flips and flops and rumblin and grumblin. it must have been something i ate on monday, but basically, i haven't really been able to eat w/o gettin horrible pains after. so i woke up to my alarm at 7, but i was still feelin crappy, so i just went back to sleep. then i woke up at 11, still crappy. then at 1, still crappy. then i woke up at 4, and i didn't feel crappy! *hallelujah!* so i rolled around in bed til 5 pm. haha~ then i woke up and took a shower. walked over to jae's, had some tong dahk, then watched some korean mv's. i came home at 7, w/ the intention of doin my app's. but that didn't happen. i wasted some time online, then jae suggested that we go out. so we went to good ol' nrb and just sang our little hearts out. it was fun. xD but it was expensive! we were there for maybe an hour and a half, and it ended up costing us $45. i'm tellin ya~ one of us should just invest in a friggin' karaoke machine. we'd get so much mileage outta that thing. hehe~ it would be 24/7 nrb, wooO!

and now, i'm blogging. but at least i slept for 14 hours today, meaning i should have enough energy to stay awake and work on my app's. someone just needs to stand over me w/ a baseball bat until i finish. any volunteers???

yet another reason why i love carroll: such a quick learner! keke~

bahzhang: since i realized it's pointless to fight with the female gender about age
bahzhang: if it makes you happy i'll nod my head yes =)
X bYuLgZr X: haha
bahzhang: *nodding*
X bYuLgZr X: x)
X bYuLgZr X: smart~
X bYuLgZr X: u learn fast
bahzhang: i had too ^^
bahzhang: to
bahzhang: that and i had WONDERFUL teachers
bahzhang: *ahem*
X bYuLgZr X: haha
X bYuLgZr X: of course~

back at work...it's not too bad. x) i love my bosses. it makes work not so bad. like today, they were talkin, and one of my supervisors used to be a drama teacher. and she said that she taught rob schneider! i was so wowed. keke~ and she said that she was very disappointed in rob because he wasn't living out his true potential. did you know that he was a jazz student turned actor? he's supposed to be really good. they did this show where he and his brother wrote the music for it. she also went to school with a lot of SNL'ers...and i just forgot all of their names. cary something and gary something. haha~ and she went to school w/ annette benning. she said that she is lying about her true age. hehe~ the things i learn when i come to work. xD

the last few nights have been pretty fun. i've been watchin crazy amount of movies. let's see..monday night i watched: divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood (such a good movie! i was rollin on the ground.. 4 thumbs up--my fingers and my toes!), insomnia(i didn't like this movie. i heard that it was good, but it was really slow and the plot was really predictable..2 thumbs down), 28 days (i've seen this movie like... 5 times and i just bought it. i really like it. i think that viggo mortenson is really hot now even tho he's kind of a jerk in this movie. i think the more i look at him, the hotter he gets.. 2 thumbs up), dude, where's my car? (haha, this is just a fun dumb movie. i wouldn't give it any thumbs up, but it doesn't get any down either... you gotta be in the right mood for this movie xD). yep, this was all monday night. last night i saw 28 days (again) and played jenga w/ mike, eddie, and charles.. haha~ it was funny watchin them interact. after movies, i've been just chillin and talkin w/ ppl and, well, let's just say i've been having some really interesting conversations these past few nights. late at night + delirium = strange topics. haha~

hey girsty, do you trust me? ahahaha~

i'm soooooooo sad....
i should be boarding right now.
the only reason i didn't end up going was because i had to finish up some stuff that needed to be done in person. so today i woke up to go do my errands. i found out that i can't even order my transcript right now because they're reviewing the fall '02 grades. meaning that they won't be ready til thursday. then i went to my counselor and found out that i could have easily settled this deal over email and that it was no rush at all.
i'm sooooooooo sad. i could be boarding right now. right at this instant, instead of typing out my stinky day, i could be playing in the snow. T-T

why??? *sniffle*

i really wanted to go too. i was even going to buy plane tics to reno and have sammy pick me up so i could board tm. but then i was swept over by a feeling of uneasiness--like i couldn't finish everything by today. so i called very last minute and said for them to just have fun because i needed to get this stuff done. but i didn't even get to do any of it~! T-T i should have just gone.........

i could still buy tickets and go, but i've changed my mind at least 6 times already. i can't call sammy and tell him that i changed my mind again and to pick me up. besides, that's crazy talk, right???? T-T

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

it's not fair.

i hate gc for making me think realistically. why can't he just let me be irresponsible? xP always gotta be the stupid wise guy. -__-;;

I WANNA GO SNOWBOARDING TOOOOOOOO!

so unfair.......

I've wasted 5 hours y'all. xD Aren't I good at wasting time? I think I'm the best at it...

I really don't like writing personal statements. -__-;; What is there to say?? xP

I was really sad last night. No particular reason. I just felt despair..even worse..I felt hopeless. How can I be hopeless when God has made so many promises to me? I dont' know. It's my stupidity, I suppose. I couldn't get myself to work on my personal statement until about 2:30 AM. I worked til 5AM, then I decided to make better use of my time and journaled. I haven't done that since finals. It was weird. All this bitterness just poured out. No particular reason...just bitterness.

I feel so hollow.

Today at church I felt nothing. Even praise failed to move me like it usually does. I just sat there..numb from my conversation with Him last night. Then when offering came around, I said a short prayer. I asked Him if I was always going to struggle. I asked Him if I would ever be stable in Him. If I could ever let go of the world.

It really amazes me at how quickly God answers sometimes...He told me that I would constantly be struggling. That it's a lifelong journey, and that I must continue to dig, deeper and deeper. Past all the lies, deceit, shame, and my sinful nature. I had to dig until I reached my heart--yearning to be with Him...wishing to be whole again.

I know that I have a long way to go. I know that I go through these stages when I feel empty and hollow. And I also realize the reason is that He's missing from my life. When I'm struggling, when I'm drowning in what is my life, I find the strength to go on because God gives me that strength. God gives it ot me because I ask Him for His strength. But when things are stagnant in my life, I find my spiritual life crumbling... I'd much prefer to have my world fall apart than my spiritual life.

I always pray about God's will. That I want to know what God's will is. But in order to find that out, I can't just sit here and wait. I have to seek His will. I have to read the Bible. I have to pray. I have to stop being so apathetic.

And when I delight myself in You
You give me the desires of my heart

Lord please hold onto me. Please don't let me go...

Alas, I am back in this cursed city known as Berkeley. T-T
even worse, i don't have any coffee, so here i am sipping on some tea. it's just not the same. *sniffle* i need some coffeeee~~

well, i haven't gotten very far on my applications at all. T-T i'm still desperately searching for letters of recommendation. why oh why did i wait for so long???

here is my day:
10AM: woke up to my alarm.
10:00:01: went back to sleep.
(many hours later)
3PM: wake up to lila's phone call. she says she's bringing food. *poof* i'm awake. it's magic!
4PM: start to unpack and clean up the living room
around 4:30ish: lila pops in the Notorious C.H.O. i wasn't plannin on watchin, but i ended up sitting in front of the tube.
6PMish: shower
7PMish: finish up cleanin my clothes and etc
8PMish: watch the rest of 28 Days w/ lila and her friend.
9PMish: i don't know.. i think i surfed the internet
then i started to type out my personal statement
then i went to make myself something to eat. (can you believe that i'm even out of ¶ó¸é? ended up eating pasta and meat again)
i talked to hyewon for a while, then i talked to my sister for an hour or so...
it is now almost 11:30PM.

yay haejin! you did absolutely NOTHING today!!

and here i am... sitting and blogging.. because i really really don't want to write this stupid personal statement. i hate writing these. what do i have to say?? the law schools want to hear that i had this great problem and that i conquered it all on my own and that's why they should accept me. cuz i can make things happen. but what have i ever done? nothing. i have done absolutely nothing on my own. i heard that you should talk about church too much when you try to apply for schools or jobs because it makes the employers/admittees feel like your loyalty lies elsewhere. so what do i write about then? i donno.... heh, knowing me, this is probably just an excuse to not write it at all.....

so here i am writing about last semester and taking credit for having gotten through it. -__-;;

blah.

hello.. xD
happy new years everyone!
(i obviously don't have anything better to do...)
i just had something to say: thank you for your prayers... even if you're feeling guilty right now cuz you didn't pray for me, it's ok. x) because they were answered.

chris son came down last night from san fran with danlee and gower. let me tell you about our exciting day! we stayed up watching Ocean's 11, then talked for a bit before going to sleep. i woke up early to take my little sister to school then ended up staying up because of these kids that are staying at our house.

"what kids?" you ask? that's a very good question with a very weird answer (it has nothing to do with chris' and my exciting day, but i shall humor you with the sordid details). my mom has been trying to get back to japan. i don't know how many military brats there are out there, but basically, my mom can fly for almost free (there's a $12 tax to ride planes), because my daddy's in the army. the catch is that you have to get these papers signed, and when you get them signed and who you are (active duty or "just a wife"), you get like a number and it's kinda like standby. so i've been going to the airport with my momma tryin to get her on these planes. let me tell ya... january is not a travel-friendly month. everyone and their momma's and even their momma's mommas were there. -__-;; so it was no fun. we kinda made small chit chat with this lady (who looked korean) with a baby. that was last thurs. then on sunday we tried again. saw a lot of the same people, including that lady. turns out she is korean and was traveling with TWO kids--a 5-year-old boy and a 1-year-old girl. they are both very rambunctious and just a handful. she was traveling alone because her husband had to hurry back to japan, where they live, because he had to get back to work. she was, considering her situation, very calm. she was staying at the local hotels because she doesn't know anyone else around here. she's trying to get on the same plane as my mom and is pretty much on the bottom of the list along with my mom. my mommy felt bad for her cuz it reminded her of when she had to travel with me and my older sister when we were that age. she knew and felt this woman's pain. *poof* they're at our house. i was thrilled because you gotta see these kids! they're SO FREAKIN CUTE.....at first....... getting woken up every morning at 8 is not a pleasant feeling whether it's a monster wakin ya or a cute kid wakin ya. the little five-year-old is constantly trying to make me play games with him. they would be more fun if he didn't have winner syndrome. he's only happy when he's winning and will fight you if he's losing. he also cheats. and with me going through my feminine cycle, it's just not a good time to bother me. i'm cranky and tired.

so anywho, on with me and chris' exciting day. that's what we woke up to. i knew that she was tired from the trip so i tried to keep the chillun abated for as long as possible. at around 10:30AM i told her to get up and get ready. unfortunately, we didn't end up goin out til like 1 or so. i took her on an exciting tour of downey--showed her the oldest running mcdonald's, and all the houses that i have previously lived in. we then went to my sister's for an exciting cup'o'coffee. i begged my sister to borrow her car, she said no. we left her place around 3:30 to pick up jaeeun (in my mom's car). we went from there to long beach town center. went to old navy and wal-mart. but chris had never been to wal-mart so we did random shopping. then we ate. then i took her to kenneth's to go to becky's. i'm hoping that her stay there is more fun than here. xP *sorry chris* i'll be a better hostess next time, i promise~

yay~ what a lot of space taken up on a lot of pointless stuff!

PLEASE let my mom and those kids get on that plane tomorrow. PLEAAAASE!!!!!!!!!