i jst came back from jae's. hehe~ i watched deuce bigalow for the second time. it was just as funny. ahaha~ x)

my days have been pretty chill. i've been pretty busy trying to catch up on my missions training... (long story.. xP) if i haven't given you a support letter, ask me for one! i need to get these sent out.. like.. NOW! so.. please~ bother me for one~ x)

i'm getting pretty worried about missions. i really am not prepared. i know that no one is really ever prepared, but i just feel soo lost. i was lookin at the big notebook of stuff that i'm supposed to be reading.. and all the other to do/to not do lists, and getting kinda panicked. please pray for me. pray for everyone else too~ billy left today.. he should be on his way.. pray that he lands safely...

something that i read today that i thought was great.. i always thought that predestination was kind of unfair. that if there is such a thing as predestination, there's no reason to go on missions, cuz they'll be saved one way or another, right? wrong...
"The doctrine of election, if properly understood, is not a handicap to evanglistic zeal but its stimulus. We preach because we know it is not hopeless. God's elect must hear and He will save them. They are many and in all places, and their salvation awaits our coming with the gospel. It is our responsibility to reach them with it."

God has such a great way of making all things work according to His great plan...

the funniest thing happened yesterday on the way home from work. girsty called me so we could walk home together. so we were just walkin and chattin.. across the street, there was this guy that was runnin in a muscle t, and so i was jst lookin.. keke~ and then we got closer, and i was thinking, "WOW! nice armS!" and i was just starin at him go by. i looked over at girsty to tell her, and she was still looking! ahahA~ we both started bustin out laughin cuz we were both gonna tell each other to look.. kekek~ it was so funny~

last night after fiC, we jst came home and kicked it. watched moulin rouge.. we were supposed to get up to watch the game, but we all fell asleep and didn't make it. i'm SO sad that korea lost. T-T how sad.... *sigh* i guess we'll have to wait another 4 years...

i've been up since 10:30, but i don't really feel very productive.. is the library open today?

i'm famous!

toughguyBCK: awwww~~~...what a 1004~~

aww~ thanks kang!

ahaha, here's the rest of it:
toughguyBCK: j/p
toughguyBCK: HAHA

i swear, with all this lovin i get from my friends...i donno how imma contain myself~ -__-;;

yesterday, i met up with a friend that i met my freshman year. we don't really get to hang much, but we do see each other every once in a while. x) it was nice to see her again. she brought her boyfriend along. keke~ they're so cute. he seems like a really nice guy. she is such a sweetheart! the only problem is that she's not Christian. i don't know--when i first met her, i totally assumed she was, cuz she's really soft-spoken, and seriously the nicest person i've ever met. but it soon became obvious that she wasn't. i don't know how it came up. i think it was just one of those passing moments when the subject came up, and she had nothing to say. i invited her to come check out fiC with me, but.. keke, she would kinda avoid the subject.. the problem with me is that i give up too easily. i guess i don't want to turn her off, but i shouldn't worry about things like that. the more important thing is that she hears, right? xP but, i dunno.. i guess it just seems harder cuz she is my friend, and i don't want her to not like me.. xP *sigh* still tryin to be a ppl-pleaser....

afterwards, i went to go watch minority report last night. it was very good~ x) i really liked it.. i love watching good movies~ just for those 2 hrs or so, you just get lost into the plot--my life doesn't exist, but i'm just watching the characters on the screen going thru stuff.. i either relate, or jst stand amazed at their resiliency... keke~

once again, i'm at work. of course i got here late again. xP i'm such a horrible employee. it's a good thing that they don't have that much for me to do. otherwise, i'm pretty sure i'd be jobless. but, it's all good. i love my bosses~! they're all so cool! keke, it's like having 3 mothers.. they're the sweetest people in the world! but they're also very quirky.. keke~ i'm so sad.. one of my bosses is leaving for retirement. *sigh* it's gonna be weird here without her...

i was reading my lil new-testament-in-a-year book, and i came across a passage that i've probably read/heard sermons about many many many times.. it's this parable about a fig tree and a gardner. the fig tree wouldn't bear fruit, even after the gardner took care of it for many years, so he got tired of waiting and was gonna cut it down, cuz basically the fig tree was takin up space... my book has a little thing on the bottom after each passage--a brief explanation for the passages. it basically said that we should bear fruit or be prepared to be cut down. i've always heard that phrase--"go forth and bear fruit." but for some reason, last night, i actually thought about what it meant to bear fruit. are the fruits the physical evidence that God dwells in my hearT? so does that mean that i'm bearing fruit when other people can see that i'm a Christian? or, is it the number of people that i reach out to? that i evangelize? or is it something else? how strange that after 21 years of being a Christian, i don't know the meaning of bearing fruit. i guess i always assumed that bearing fruit was just being a "good" Christian, watever that means. it was one of those phrases that gets tossed around a lot.. so it says in the Bible to "go forth and bear good fruit..." *sigh*

1 more hr to go!

i've watched so many movies in the past few days... last night, my old roomie came over and we chilled.. we made no-bake cheesecake and jst talked.. it was nice, cuz i havn't really gotten to talk to her much since i moved out, so we got to catch up.. x) YAY! thanks cindy! we gotta do that again, k??

girsty came by to drop off some stuff.. it was so funny, cuz me and cindy were talkin on the futon in the living room. girsty walks in, says hi to cindy, then goes into my room. she got all quiet, so i thought she was on the phone or somethin.. so 30 mins goes by, and i was like, "hmm, maybe i should check up on her..." so i went into the room and there was girsty--watchin herself on my computer.. ahaha~ she's hooked on invader zim too! i felt mightily used.. -__-;; that's the only time she comes over.. to exploit my computer! *sigh* but it's ok. we ended up watchin bone collector which wasn't too scary. jst a little. ahaha~ there was this one part when we both jumped..keke~ it was funny.. so, thanks to girsty, i've been watchin a lot of movie lately... hehe

YEEEEEEEEHEEE~~ IMMA GET ME SUM OF DEM TACOOS~~!!!!

dang~ i wanna go out this weekend, but it looks like it's not gonna work out cuz og is a stinky poopoo head.. T-T *sigH* i'm so sad.......

i was talkin to royal mama today, and she was sayin that og was scared that i was gonna kill her. haha~ am i really that scary? *sheesh* it's not like imma bite you or something, but i seem to get that reaction a lot. esp my class guys. it's kinda funny, i guess, but not too flattering. xP i know that i act like i'm tough and stuff, but i'm really not.. x) inside i'm all soft and squishy like my stomach. keke~ (now that's really soft!) i dunno.. sometimes it's funny when ppl get all scared, but sometimes i wonder if that's the image that i really portray to people. hehe~ the funniest is geewon, though.. ahaha~ he gets all spazzy and scared. but really geewon.. i kicked you once and that was a looong time ago~~ so don't worry, k? i'm a nice girl, really! (stop laughing~ i really am!!!)

2.5 more hours to go!! @__@

i'm scared.... T-T

X bYuLgZr X: i wanna bake cookies or brownies tonight.. yummmmm
blakciel: i wanna sleep, but i'll be there
X bYuLgZr X: ahahaha~
X bYuLgZr X: i didn't say i was going to.. sheesh~~
X bYuLgZr X: we have no milk
blakciel: nm
X bYuLgZr X: haha~ FINE THEN
X bYuLgZr X: jst USE ME
blakciel: i will.. i am
X bYuLgZr X: ahaha.. how sad~~

so much lovin'

i'm still at work.. with one more hour to go.. here's a passage that i thought was kinda interesting.. (keke.. i'm very very bored..)

You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of his body the Church. (He gave his very life to take care of it and be its Savior!) So you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church obeys Christ.

And you husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the Church when he died for her, to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's Word; so that he could give her to himself as a glorious Church without a single spot or wrinkle or or any other blemish, being holy and without a single fault. That is how husbands should treat their wives, loving them as parts of themselves. For since a man and his wife are now one, a man is really doing himself a favor and loving himself when he loves his wife!...

So again I say; a man must love his wife as a aprt of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband--obeying, praising, and honoring him.

~Ephesians 5:22-28, 33

when i read that, my initial reaction was like, "heck no i ain't submittin to my husband. he better be at my every beck and call. imma make sho that my husband is well-trained before i decide to marry him.. psh~ i am woman, u betta hear me roar!" and then.. i kept reading, and when it got to the part where it said that husbands should love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the Church, i was like...hmm, maybe it's better to be a girl and just have to listen to the husband. dang~ to have to love like Christ loves.. how hard..... i feel sorry for my husband now. hehe~ he's gonna have to love me no matter how bratty i am to him.. keke~ but i guess that means that i should be nicer to him too, huh? keke, how weird.. it's not like i'm plannin on gettin married anytime soon, but this passage stuck out at me. especially the part where it says that the husband has to make the wife holy and without blemish.. craziness.. i guess that's what they're talkin about when they say that the guy is supposed to be the spiritual leader... if i think back to my past relationships... that was definitely not the case. in 2 of my relationships, i think that we tried to say that we were aiming to be God-centered, but i don't think we ever really did. it was mostly us-centered--we did watever we wanted to.. and i never really thought twice about it.. i just figured that i wasn't plannin on marryin' the guy, so it's ok.. blah blah.. but after reading this passage, it made me realize the seriousness of it all. it's not something to be taken lightly... how strange to be thinking about this now...

lovely, after i read ur blog, i did that acronophology (or watever) and i read that too.. ^^ keke, but thanks for posting it up for all to see! my favorite line was "you like to be stroked physically and verbally" but i noticed that it only says that once in mine, and twice in yours..hmmmmmmmm, i wonder what that means? ahahaha~

last night, after vbs meeting, girsty came over and we watched final fantasy and A.I. they were both ok.. a.i. is a very very long and sad and depressing movie tho.. xP i got a headache after i watched it.. sunny gave me a surprise visit too, which was very nice! x) too bad we were all boring and we were jst watchin my computer monitor.. kekeke~ i love jae!! keke~

lately, i've been trying to force myself to read the Bible before i sleep (not very successfully, might i add), but i came across a passage last night.. that kinda scared me... (it's not really a Bible, but it's a read-the-New-Testament-in-a-year book) so anyway, for yesterday, it was a passage from luke 12:35-48. it basically says to be ready for the coming of the Lord cuz He's gonna come someday, and we have to be ready for Him all the time--whether we're working, or sleeping, or at school.... when He comes, He's not gonna be waiting for us to get ready...... i think that gave me a jolt awake...... i've been so lackadaisical about the sins in my life. i jst keep reassuring myself that Jesus forgives me, so it's ok this one time... but it's not ever just that one time. xP i need to live like today is the day that Jesus is coming back... *sigh* i've always heard that... but u know how u have to get slapped in the face sometimes? that was last night for me. i hope that this is not some kind of passing phase of guilt, but that i will always remember this...

He's coming....

*sigh*

yesterday (or more correctly, this morning) was really disappointing.. i guess none of us really expected korea to win. but then again, nobody thought korea would win portugal. or italy. or spain. i was so sad when they lost. i've never been into soccer, and never really thought much of "korean pride" or watever, but i think these past few weeks, i was never prouder of korea. it did the impossible... it became a part of many "firsts" in soccer history! when germany won, i was sad, but still proud.. but still sad.. xP hehe~ but hey! DAEE~ HAN MIN GOOK all the way!!! doode, i don't know much about soccer, but i've never seen any team play like the germans did. they were SO fierce and aggressive.. xP i thought they were playing dirty, but then.. i really know nothing about soccer, so i guess i could just be biased. either way.. KOREA STILL ROCKS! hehe....

*sigh*

p.s. does anyone know the title of that song that they were singing for special praise? please leave me a comment!! and the title of that song that we sang.. it goes: You are my God, early in the morning will i rise to meet You, rise to meet You.

i got to work.. kinda on time. 9 am. not too bad.. xP i don't really have much to do either... so i guess imma be blogging again later.

gosh~ this summer has been so.. i don't know...very strange. there's a lot of things goin on in my head, but none of it is making much sense. i just keep going around in circles and back again. it's really frustrating. right now, there's not really anything in particular that's bothering me. in fact, things couldn't be more peachy. yet i feel this emptiness... which is most definitely the result of my lack of passion for God. i really want to read the Bible and to pray, but it's so hard! i guess cuz nothing seems to be wrong, i can't find a reason to be passionate about anything. so everything is really... blah. which is BAD considering that i want to be preparing for missions. even that's fizzed out. at first, i was so excited to go.. but now, i wonder if i'm meant to do this. there's this total lack of motivation for everything in my life. oof~ how depressing...

lack of motivation is basically a euphamism for lazy. i am soooooo lazy! as my mama would say, "gae ul luh tuh jut suh!" -__-;; i need to get off my lazy butt, and stop makin pitiful excuses! i need to do my QT's and pray my heart out. there are so many things to pray for!! missions, my family, my friends that aren't Christian, church.. etc, etc! so many things.. *sigh* i don't know mang~ doode.. seriously tho.. i feel like all the sermons lately have been directly pointed at me. like God is shaking His finger at me and scolding me to my face. xP what Pastor Ryan said about being a people pleaser.. and how that leads to fear of man.. that's me. x( i can see that it's destructive to my relationship with God because i'm so busy concerning myself with mere people that i forget that it's God that i want to please.. oi~ stupid, i am.

random question, completely off topic... what do you say to someone who believes that God exists, believes that Jesus came and died to save us, but doesn't believe in going to church? i didn't want to push, but i think i ended up doing that.. xP their rebuttal was: "salvation comes thru grace, not thru faith or works..." and that's definitely true... but, after grace, there's the realization of how thankful we should be that God gave us that grace... and there's the need to worship..to fellowship... righT? they used to go to church, but got turned off by all the hypocrisy/human flaws/politics of it, i think.. i don't know... i didn't know what to say.. which is why i should read the Bible! *sigh* i got issues mang~

all i have needed, the Lord has provided. He has always been faithful to me!

i guess i should just hold onto that fact...

OH~ PILSUNG KOREA!! OH~ PILSUNG KOREA~~! OH~~ PILSUNG KOREA! OH OH OH OH OH!

hehe~ KOREA is doing SOOOO well~~ seriously~ i was home for the wkend so i was in ktown watchin the game. i swear i thought i was gonna faint when they made that last kicK! i almost had a heart attack! my heart was literally jumpin up and down in my throat.. xP it hurt a lot, but it was SOO worth it!!! i wanna go back to ktown on tues!!!! T-T but alas.. i am stuck up here once again. *sigh*

i guess my week home was chill. it made me realize how old i'm getting. T-T my little sister is now going to be a freshman at UCSD. my youngest sister is going to be a junior in high school! my older sister is getting more and more ahjoommah as the days go by.. makin me feel even older. AND i went and suhn bwat suh!! T-T it was not my parents' idea.. nor mine.. xP they (my sister's father in law and that guys mother) have been trying to make me meet him for a year.. xP it was sooooooooooo horrendous... T-T i felt SO old. i felt like a korean drama... he was 29 too! T-T if u want to hear all the nasty ugly details u can always ask me. it's much more entertaining cuz u get to see my expressions of disgust and abhorrence. the cliff notes version is that my sister's father in law pretty much left me stranded in la and told me to go on a date with this billionaire 30-yr-old. T-T the guy didn't get the clue that i didn't want to be there, so i ended up calling one of my friends that lived in that area and had him pick me up.. -__-;; so i pretty much ditched him in the middle of westwood. but he wasn't gettin my hints!! xP *grrr* it was not fun. but at least that's over with. other than that ugly incident, my week home was very chill. i met up with some friends that i haven't talked to in a really long time... got to see some movies.. got to chill with lovely (who found my situation so hilarious.. -__-;; she wanted to follow me and take a video camera and stream it on the web for everyone to see. *sigh* at least it was amusing to someone)

so that's how my week went. it ended with that soccer game which just made my whole week worth it. and to add to my happiness, one of the waiters at the restaurant that we were at (watchin the game) was SOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!!! *sigh* it was soo nice to have eye candy for once. being in berkeley for so long, you forget what it feels like to have a cute boy to gawk at.. HE WAS SUCH A CUTIE~~~!! AHH! i want to go back to ktown on tuesday!!!!!! T-T anyone willin to drive down for the night??? *sigh* pooey~

KOOORRREEEAAAA~~~

wow~ they said that we couldn't do it~ WOW~~!! YAY KOREA!!!

i barely got to work.. (haha...i guess my 8-o'clock streak ain't gonna happen), but it's all good.. i'm here, but none of my bosses are.. xP don't have a thing to do. *sigh* but anywho...

last night, me, hyewon, jae and euegene went out for the first time in a LOOOOONGG time~ it was fuN~ hehe.. just a lil chillin, a lil nrb. but dang~~ they got so tired so quickly. *sigh* i guess that's the curse of having "older" friends. hahah~ we ended up not getting to 3 dahn, but oh well.. x) next time....

ooF~ i'm soo tired.. xP i'm getting old too. *sigh* but... anywho, i better get to "work" hehe...

i wasted as much time as i could, but i couldn't find anything to do. so i asked one of my bosses if she had anything, and this was our conversation:
boss: gee. i wish i had those reports that need to be reconciled. but, no. i don't have anything. why don't you just surf the net?
me: oh, ok then. you know what? i think i'm going to take a really long lunch break.
boss: oh, that's fine~ you go do that. i don't have anything for you, but i think diane (another boss) has some stuff for you later.
me: ok, i'll be back in an hour... or two..
boss: have a good lunch~~! (smiling all nice)

so, i took a 2 hr lunch break, and it is still barely 3... *sigh* i have a little bit more research to do, but if i spent my time working on those, i'd probably be done in 30 minutes.. leaving me 1.5 hrs to do nothing. *sigh* yes, this is the 3rd time updating my blog today.... *sigh* i wish i were html proficient so i could work on my blog template or something... haha~ i'm that bored right now. but i shouldn't complain. some people actually have to work when at their jobs. *shudder* how lucky i am!

this is what sucks about coming to work on time... it's only 10:40, and i'm done with everything that they had for me... T-T what to do for the next 6 hours~???!? hmm... maybe i'll just stay til 12.......

ladies and gentlemen~ check the time at the bottom of this blog! yes.. it says 8:50 AM! xP i actually made it to work at 8 today (give or take 10 mins... keke) but that's because i didn't come to work at all yesterday.... hahaha~ x) i didn't feel like goin to work, so i called in and said that i wasn't gonna come. hehe.. i love my job...

so i spent most of yesterday just catchin up on my veggin. x) then around 7ish, i started cookin up a storm so that we could have some yummy grub (me, chris, hyewon, and kristy)... hehe, although the "storm" only consisted of some dong g'rang ddeng and some tofu, it was good.. (i hope...) keke~ we ate while watchin my new addition to my dvd collection--the others. haha~ i've never been so entertained! chris screamed SO loudly and like skooched all the way to the back of the futon... she was so loud, i think she scared us more than the movie~ ahaha~ it was funny. xD

other than that, my summer has been pretty chill. x) a little too chill sometimes, but.. oh well, right? at least i don't have summer school. muahahaha~ and i'm goin home this weekend too. yipeee~~ i can't wait.

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

sometimes, it's just harder to find the blessings in your life....

i'm such a sinner

scary movies are BAD!! T-T

so like an idiot, i watched 13 ghosts and interview with a vampire last night. the result? i didn't get to sleep until 5 this morning. -__-;; i'm such a freak. i know that scary movies are BAD for me.. i mean.. really really bad!! xP but i just sat there and watched 2 horror flicks and expected to sleep. ugh~ i don't even know what time i fell asleep. i tried to read, but i couldn't flip the light on cuz my roomie was sleeping. those are times i wish i had my own room.. like those times when i'm scared outta my mind and wish i could sleep with the light on, but i can't.. xP *sigh* i am such a moron!

GOOOOOOOOOOO KOREA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~

*my new (and not so new) favorites*
things to do:
- watch invader zim (omg~ SOOO FUNNY!!)
- chillin with my girlfriends (the best remedy for ANY illness--physical AND emotional)
- NRB! (ahaha)
- doin nothing (it's the best feelin!)
- sleeeeeeeeping!!!! (i LOVE it!)
people:
- Jesus (He definitely knows why)
- SUNNY!! (you know why~)
- jae eun~
- giancarlo (who's leaving me, but it's all good.. i know he'll be back.. he better be back!!!)
- my boss, lissa (she's SO nice!)
.....and the list goes on......
food:
- food. (as long as it's cooked)

*things i'm starting to appreciate a lot more*
- God and his unchanging'ness in all things.. His love, His faithfulness, His awesomeness... etc etc...
- the people in my life (and how much they are a blessing. and even the people that i don't really know that well--how much i want to get to know them before it's too late. how they have been so encouraging to me, even in the littlest things that they may do. how they all shape the way that i view things.. and i see that life is SO beautiful and SO precious)
- the fact that i'm in college (even if it is berkeley.. xP)
- my family (and the fact that i need to be more like a family member and not a stranger. i truly do feel like a stranger sometimes.. i had a way overdue talk with my youngest sister. she's goin thru a lot, and i was too wrapped up in myself to even notice. -__-;; i want to be able to be a good sister and a good daughter... i want to know what's goin on in my family's lives...)
- myself (that i'm a child of God, thank goodness. that i am much stronger than i give myself credit for. that God loves me, so i must be something special)

these past few days have been very eye-opening for me. i'm so blessed, and i want to dwell on that! ^^;; THANK YOU everyone! you have been such a blessing in my life.. THANK YOU (you know who you are) who have been my strength when i was too weak... who have been so encouraging and loving and understanding! and most importantly, THANK YOU GOD! You have truly kept all of Your promises to me. Please help me to see that You are still working in me and haven't given up on me yet. THANK you for not giving up and for continuing to pursue after my rebellious heart.

have a very beauteous day everyone! x) don't forget to count your blessings~~~

it's amazing what you can do once you put your mind to it...

the past few months have been very tumultuous for me. in a lot of ways, it was because of my own inability to follow through what i already knew i had to do. the past 3 days have been very liberating for me. i've been able to do things according to myself instead of basing them on other people and what they would think about me, etc etc. life is so much easier if you live the way you know you can instead of the way that you think you're supposed to. all you need are a few feasible guidelines to make your goal even more attainable. especially with the bazillions of things out there that i should be paying more attention to and praying about, i find it so selfish of me to go on living the way that i have been. i've been crying out in my own sufferings and my own hardships, but in doing so, i forget about the people that i love. the people that i said i'd pray for. the people that i am so grateful to have in my life and should be thanking God for everyday. when you don't concentrate on your own problems, i think they just disappear. but me.. being the major drama queen that i am, over-think, over-analyze, and over-dwell on my own issues. i want to start focusing on other people. mang~ i hope that i can stop thinking about myself...T-T but i'm probably the most selfish person in the entire universe, i don't know if i'll be able to do it. *sigh* but i really want to try. my dwelling on myself is not making myself feel any better anyway... so i guess thinking about other people is actually the more selfish thing to do in my case. i'll feel better about myself, and my problems will seem like nothing.....right?? i think sometimes i LIKE to suffer. xP otherwise, why would i put up with this? i'm such a drama mama.. xP aigooooo~~

hey evelyn~ i never see you at church anymore... how am i supposed to get you the magazine? xP hmmm... look for me this sunday, k? x) miss ya girl~!

I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified...He showed me what it was to cry. Well you couldn't be that man I adored. You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for. But I don't know him anymore. There's nothing where he used to lie, my conversation has run dry...That's what's going on. Nothing's fine I'm torn. I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel...I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. You're a little late; I'm already torn...Should have seen just what was there, and not some holy light. and now I don't care, I had no luck. I don't miss it all that much. There's just so many things that I can touch I'm torn...

i think i have a problem with seeing things that aren't there... i'm a dreamer.. an idealist. i see things the way that they should be, not the way that they are. but this totally clashes with my tendency to be rational.. my need for order and logic. i dream, but i rationalize them, which results in no conclusion. no closure.. no resolution. like many people have told me--i think too much... but sometimes the bigger problem is that i don't think at all...i'm just a walking contradiction!

Nothing's right I'm torn

berkeley represents all of my stress.. all of my heartaches... school, which is stress... work, which is boring... it represents the most difficult times of my life. yet.... it also represents all the growth that i've experienced.. all the people that i've been blessed enough to meet.. all the "study breaks" that were so memorable.. it's all of the best times of my life as well.

in all of that, i should be so thankful, but i find myself getting more and more bitter as the days go by. i don't quite know what it is that makes me feel this way, but i can feel my heart hardening. i just don't care as much as i used to..... in all things.. i feel like i've lost the compassion that drove me. the heart to keep on goin, no matter how hard it was, is no longer there. in all things, i find it's easier to just give up....

yesterday's message was about passion for God. i'm so lacking that. but i'm not only lacking a passion for God, but i'm lacking a passion for life. i feel like i've lost the motivation for everything in my life. how depressing, huh? sorry.. i'll stop depressing y'all...

so how 'bout them lakers?