i didn't quite finish til yesterday night.. now the task of copying/mailing/sending them out... woah.. i'm really goin...

i'm so tired...i had a lot of fun today. had a mtg this morning.. (missed awana prayer mtg again.. T-T), then missions training...i chilled at the apt for a bit, then went to pier 39, walked around.. had some clam chowda~ *yummmm* hehe, now i'm just chillin...

man.. i've been kinda struggling tho.. i don't know what i should do.. so pray for me please! (i know i'm being vague...sorry~)

missions update: i finally finished my application!! x) working on my support letter now.. *sigh* i hope to have those ready for tm... woah.. that's gonna take a miracle.... let's hope it happens~

Who's Your Inner Music Industry Diva? Find out @ She's Crafty

haha, these are so fun~

Who's Your Inner Buffy Bad-Girl? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Buffy Girl Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

man~ i wanted to be buffy...-__-;;

i have been really weird lately. and i think it's cuz i don't pray. i need to pray. i was at fiC today, and i dunno.. i just didn't want to be there. i ended up leaving early, going home.. and just thinking about what was bothering me. i don't really know cuz right now, there's not that much drama in my life. i mean, i could even say that things are good. nothing is going wrong really. i'm going to missions, but i haven't really been preparing myself. i've been SO lazy about everything. i don't know what the heck it is. it's totally buggin me though. i need more time for self-reflection...more time for prayer...more time to read the Bible. *sigh*

evelyn-i look at ur blog cuz it's very interesting.. ^^

my stomach hurts....and i'm irritated.. not a good combination!

i had such a great day yesterday...

me and jae met up and had dinner. i had donburi house and jae had a bulgogi sandwich.. keke. it was nice to just sit and veg. then we went to sweethearts and got some chinese-style pat-bing-soo. it was sooo good~ (well, not soooo good, but it was good) my mouth was so frozen though.. hehe~ jae said i was talkin funny, but i couldn't feel my mouth, literally. my whole body was shakin, but it was yummy so we kept eating it.. hehe.. then we trekked over to my apt. we were sposed to watch fantasia, but i dunno.. haha, we got on the computer, then i started food-coma'ing. (sorry jae~) it was nice tho.. x) kickin it wit my homegirl~ hehe

then i tried to get some studying done, but i didn't really get that much done.. (haha.. surprise surprise) instead, i totally zonked out. i was having a massive headache attack so i lay down to nap it off... xP man, i guess i was really tired cuz i didn't wake up again until i had to go to class this morning. *whoops* hehe~

but all in all, it was chill and nice day.. x) i really liked yesterday.. hehe i should have more of those...

missions update: i'm going for sure! (woo hooO!) the missions organization said they're saving a spot for me in Japan.. so... it's really happening...... wow.. it's kinda strange.. but yeah.. if you see me, keep asking me if i finished my application.. xP i really need to mail that thing in! but.. yeah... i'm goin...i'm goin! I'M GOIN!!! God is GREAT all the time

I LOVE YOU JAE!

i just read billy's and hayeun's blogs, and i have my own theory of what's goin on here.... i think billy's secretly in love with hayeun and the only way to get her attention is to write about her and andy and martin's relationship (which is all true, btw). hayeun is lovin all this attention she's getting (naturally, because she's a gong joo, you kno?) and so she's probably crushin on billy too (so don't be too sad billy. your ploy worked!) haha~ i'm so sad! hayeun is such a hot commodity amongst our awana teachers. she's one of the people martin obsess about, billy's in love with her, and andy... well... andy's mine! hahaha~ seriously though... it's amazing how much grossness andy and billy can take. haha~ i guess i'll always be, in hayeun's words, "princess in training" and never reach the full hayeun level of princess-ity. *sigh* some girls got it and some girls don't.

i love you hayeun! keke~ and i loooooooove billy (see? you're first!) and andy and martin too! hee hee~

GGCL10: fine! ill play wiht myself

ahahaha, i guess desperate times call for desperate measures...

i'm at work right now, and i'm actually having some really funny conversations:

funny girl: yes, i put the other men to shame
funny girl: with my manly voice
funny girl: and manly thighs
funny girl: i could give chris a nice run for his money
funny girl: he better watch out
X bYuLgZr X: haahahahahahahahahahaahahah
X bYuLgZr X: u should tell him that
funny girl: will do
funny girl: shoot, better not come around me no more

ahahahahaha~ i'm trying to be nice and keep names out tho... hehehe.. i'm such a nice person!

oh no... T-T my pinky toenail fell off today. boo hoo~ i'm sad.. as if my feet weren't ugly enough as it was already.. -__-;;

i went to watch life or something like it with kristy, hyewon, jane, jennifer, and esther today. it was a goooood movie! i'm so buying it when it comes out. angelina jolie is SUCH a good actress! wow.. i was impressed. went to the softball game right after.. it was fun.. then hit up jack in the crack (YUMMM) hehe~

so that was my day.. how exciting, huh?

did you know that almonds are members of the peach family? weird, huh? (or at least that's what this snapple top says..hehe)

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ugggggh~~ i ate soo much! i think imma hurl, literally.. i was walking out of my class and i felt this need to get rid of all the food inside of me. unfortunately, i'm at work and so don't have the liberty of throwing up. -__-;; ugh, what an icky feeling!

but it was nice gettin together to eat lunch with jae and eugene. ^^;; it's been a while, huh? hehe... we did the whole freshman thing: went to ghetto nook, ate a whole thing of food, then got boba... *sigh* those were the days. (how did we do it back then??? sheesh~ i remember being hungry after i finished eating, but now... xP i just feel sick) i guess it's true. we are getting old (momma noooOooOo~) T-T how sad.. i'm already on my spiraling descent into senility. (is that a word?) decrepit at age 21... how sad is that?? T-T

eugene's leaving us.. T-T she's going abroad.. what'll we do w/o her? *sigh* how sad... she's leaving us.... and our senior year too.. boo hoo...

doode, why am i in this complainy mood? xP my bad....

another bee-yoo-tee-ful day! weather like this makes me so happy.. x) whether i'm at work or at school, it's just nice to see the sun shining... ^^ hee hee...

i didn't quite make it to street jazz yesterday.. haha~ i fell asleep. according to hyewon she tried to get me up to go, but i didn't respond at all. she said this was the gist of our conversation:
her: haejin, are you gonna go?
me:
her: haejin? are you gonna sleep?
me:
her: haejin? i'm leaving now...
me:
her: ok... i'm going.. bye...
me:

haha.. yeah.. so i missed it.. x( i was sad... *sniff* oh well. i had a nice nap.. keke~

so lovely was over last night and we (me, roomie, and her) talked.. and talked.. and talked... in between i did some of my japanese.. (i had a quiz today)..and talked...and talked... it was fun.. it was very interesting. we talked mostly about relationships..our non-desire for one, our incapability of finding a guy that we were attracted to and wasn't a sleeze (no offense), their asexualness, and my boy-craziness, you know.. normal girl talk. then we had a very interesting conversation about ourselves. haha, that kinda seems self-centered, but it's not what it sounds like... i guess i can't really explain without saying too much so i'll stop at that, but it made me look at myself in a different perspective. made me realize some things about myself that i should change... talking to lovely and my roomie often leads to that.. x) it's a good thing though.. keeps me on my toes. i love them to death!! i hope they know that... ^^

i've been thinking about how wonderfully blessed i am. i have the best best friends in the world. they are so encouraging, so compassionate, sOoOooo LOVELY! God is so great... i don't know.. i guess that's all there is to it. God is great!!

randomness that you probably didn't want to know: ick.. i have this weird rash on my arms, my legs, even my hands..well, it's not quite a rash, but i'm soo itchy!! x( i guess some kind of allergic reaction to something.. but i've been itching for 2 days now! T-T not fun... *sigh* why am i developing all these allergies lately? i'm getting lactose! momma noOoOo~ well, actually, if i drink milk straight my stomach gets very unhappy.. but thank goodness i can still eat ice cream and cheese.. i'd die without them!

dang.. my leg hurts like i exercised it too hard and it's sore or something.. but i know and you know that i didn't exercise at all. xP i wonder what happened...

hehe.. i'll give you 3 guesses as to where i am right now.... if you said work, then you're right.. where else would i be? i actually have a class at 2, but i never go.. =X dang asian studies 10b.

anywho... i had a very long day yesterday... i don't know why, but it seemed to last forever. it was kinda strange... i don't know... xP i guess mostly it was very tiring. oh, but the best thing happened! one of my classes got cancelled yee hee~ so i got to go home sooo early~ it was niiiiice.

ugh.. today's gonna be long too.. i have street jazz til 9:30, and 2 quizzes to study for tm.. bah~ why am i taking japanese? xP i should be learning korean... i know that everyone thinks i'm a fob, but the true fobs out there know that i'm horrible with korean~ (aka jae, hyewon, eugene, katie.. haha) jae says that i have a funny accent.. hehe, but it's ok cuz i make fun of her english pronunciation (hey jae, u want some pahsta?) keke! i luh-bu yoooo~ ^^

anywho.. wow, it's obvious that i'm bored.. but i really should be working.. *sigh* back to work i go...

yummmmm! i LOOOOVE california rolls~

it's already midnight?? -__-;;

it was an ok day... there was one "bad" part when i had to call students about this tea that my work is helping to host.. xP i hate calling strangers.. bad experience from when i worked for a very short time as a telemarketer for the cal fund.. -__-;; BAAAD BAAAD~

so i was talkin to a friend, let's call her lovely... she's so funny.. ahaha~ i just love talkin to her cuz there's never a dull moment. haha~ she even talks about her obsessive compulsive disorders... ahaha~ but i love her!

so here i am.. dLing songs like crazy.. ahaha.. bad haejin! i should be reading... hehe.. i need to be disciplined like evelyn.. doode~ i think i might try that. for 1 week, i'm goin to try to come home and do my hw first thing! then do everything else... haha.. let's see how many minutes i last.... hahaha~ gosh evelyn~ u need to teach me to be disciplined like you! x)

ok... speakin of disciplined.. i should read.. xP

I know very little about my own deceitful heart, even when I think I am most sincere. Therefore, O God, who is present in my heart, and who knows my thoughts long beforehand, undertake this work within me. Prepare it thoroughly, for You alone are able to do so.

~ John Owen

that was today's reflection.. it's exactly how i've been feeling lately. i don't even know my own heart, and yet i've been expecting other people to understand where i'm coming from and to be able to connect with me somehow. but if i can even deceive myself, how much am i being fake to others? i can't stand fake people... probably because that's one of my bad traits... it makes me loathe it in others. i don't know.. i find myself wondering about what i'm thinking and whether it really is what i'm thinking for reals, or if it's just my sinful way of hiding what i'm really feeling by covering it with feelings that i should be feeling. you get that feeling? i don't know...

today's Bible study was on Romans 12 and being a living sacrifice for God.. it made me very sad because i'm so selfish to my needs and my needs only. i don't consider whether all my actions are really pleasing to God, and that just proves how little i care... which is retarded, cuz i've been given this amazing gift, which wasn't even meant to be for me. v. 9 stuck out at me.. it says: "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." i think i have problems with loving sincerely. i think i confuse being nice with loving. like, even if i don't want to do something, i'll go out of my way to do things, cuz i feel like that's expressing my love somehow even though in my heart i'm grumbling and not wanting to do it...-__-;; yes, i have problems...

Pastor Ryan was saying that we, as Gentiles, had no right to the promises that God made to Israel.. yet, here we are. Jesus came, he tore down the wall that kept us apart from receiving his blessings and he freely gave. i'm so stinking lucky. so stinkin loved.. and sooo stinkin ungrateful. i were given this crazy gift, just out of Christ's love for me, and still... i find reason to complain, to be unhappy... dangit... i need Jesus. Lord, help me to come back to where you are. in this quiet place again, i can hear you on the wind, whispering to me. in this quiet place again i have found a friend, who understands me. where you are, is where i want to be... in your arms, you will comfort me. far away, from everything i used to be. you know i have come so far, to be where you are. in this quiet place again you're speaking to my heart, and I can know your will. in this quiet place again you tell me from the start, "follow," and i will. where you are, is where i want to be. in your arms, you will comfort me. far away from everything i used to be. you know i have come this far, to be where you are...

i know that you are with me always so i won't be afraid anymore of the terrors by night, or the arrow that flies by day. and though a thousand may fall at my side and though ten thousand may fall in Him I'll put all my trust. he who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow. i will hide in your wings always your angels stand by to keep me in all my ways and though a thousand may fall at my side i will say in him i trust. he who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow. and though a thousand may fall at my side and though ten thousand may fall i will say of the Lord that in Him I put all my trust. he who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow.

wow.. so tired~ time for bed.. awana prayer mtg in a few hours.. will i make it? doode, i better~! xP

i went shopping today.. (yee hee) it was so fun. me and jae and hyewon and jae kyung went to the city and went shopping. it was such a beautiful day today~! so it was nice.. keke..

ddong~ too tired to blog right now..

evelyn - hope you feel better! and hope you don't wake up tonight~ ^^ see you later on at the sleepover~!

God is so great to me... hehe~ so, i got an hour of sleep last night (or this morning) so i'm friggin tired, but i have work all day~ so i was trying to think of a good excuse to go home early...i come to work, and start doin my usual thang, but the office seems mighty quiet. then someone walks by to tell me that all my bosses/supervisors are out today.. yee hee~~ i'm free!!! i just gotta finish up what i didn't finish yesterday.. God is so good! hehe...

sometimes my stupidity amazes me...

i'm so tired~ -__-;;

it's 9:15 am. i am at work.. can you believe it? (hehe, too bad i'm not actually working yet...)

i was soo bad yesterday! i missed all my classes and work (which is why i'm here in the morning) and did nothing.. xP i didn't study at all, i did nothing.. the most productive thing i did was go to small group.. keke~ but that's all good.... i'm just screwed tonight... *sigh*

i was reading andy's blog.. and he commented about how we always realize things in retrospect.. as i was reading it, i was like "omg, yeah.. yeah... omg~ so true!!" i'm always doing that.. like looking back and regretting a lot of the things that i did or didn't do.. xP sheesh~ what is wrong with me... it's so easy to look after the fact and say, "dang, that drama wasn't that bad.. i just shoulda ____." or " gosh~ i'm so glad that this happened because i learned so much from it..." but in the moment.. it's so easy to lose your cool and ask questions like, "why God, why? why did you make me this way..? what do you want from me?" and then i realize what i'm saying, and who i'm speaking to.. xP hehe, it reminds me of the visual that sylvia gave us: it's like a little pot shaking its fist at the potter and complaining and asking "why?!" ridiculous, huh? haha, but that's me.. in the moment....

my friend and i were chatting and he was talking about that one simpson's where they do the chili cookoff and homer goes kinda nutso and he's desperately searching for his soulmate. he was saying that this episode made him feel so sad and alone because homer is so desperate.. and at first i was laughing but then i thought about it.. it's true.. his soulmate (who ends up being marge) was always there, but homer loses his way and starts looking for something else to be his soulmate.. in the process, he gets so hopeless and feels so alone and clueless.. he gets so lost. he even thinks that his soulmate is a fox at some point (i think..) anywho.. in the end he comes back to marge, who is and has always been his soulmate. and i was thinkin about it.. that's the way i am.. i'm always losing my way, and when i'm lost, i feel soo alone and so lost and hopeless. but if i just think about the end, i'm always going to find my soulmate.. i'm always going to go back to Him because He's always pursuing after my heart.. even when i'm feeling so far from Him, i find myself going back to Him. i need to concentrate more on the end and not worry so much about in the moment. to have an eternal perspective... that's what i need to do now. i have to stop living in the moment.. and live looking towards the end. x) cuz the ending is such a good story! keke.. you know.. like when you're watching a movie that you've already seen, and you know what's gonna happen in the end, and you're like, waiting and waiting for that happily ever after.. x) i should live expecting and hopeful that the ending of my story is gonna be sooo great~ cuz Jesus is gonna come and swoop me~! hehe~ and i shouldn't be swamped by worries of tomorrow because the ending is the same.. i'm going to find my soulmate.. keke~ in the end, God's gonna always be there cuz He's always been there. so even though sometimes, "in the moment" might seem like forever, it's gonna be ok, cuz the end's gonna be all that much more longer and greater!

why do i sway? i can't face a day without you. my heart drifts away, but Your love remains always true. as i'm sending away, on the rivers of time, your love will carry me through the storms in my life. you're all i need, when the world is closing in. when my strength is running thin. when i'm lost in the storm. you're all i need. there's no need to look anywhere, there's nothing that can compare to the love that you give, cuz you're all i need. sometimes i wait until i can't take anymore. you show me the way, you help me survive to the shore. when i'm drifting away on the angry tides, i cast out my anchor unto the sea of your love. you're all i need, when the world is closing in. when my strength is running thin. when i'm lost in the storm. you're all i need. there's no need to look anywhere, there's nothing that can compare to the love that you give, cuz you're all i need. you're all i need. you're all that i want. nothing in this world could give me more.

dear Lord, help me to remember that you're all i need!!

i missed awana prayer mtg.. i missed missions training.. x( bad haejin! and all because of a stupid korean drama that kept me up until 7 this morning....

yesterday, at fiC, pastor eugene started his infamous marriage series.... it was a good reminder i guess. i'm always forgetting that i'm not made for this world, but that i'm made for God. i'm always seeking comfort from earthly things, and when i don't get the comfort that i'm expecting, i get so devastated. i guess it's the curse of eve... -__-;; always seeking after a guy, even when i know that i'm most content when i'm seeking after God.

God is so good~ seriously. He's been very very faithful to me these past few weeks..months.. keke, well, all my life, but i've been seeing his faithfulness a lot these past few weeks. it's a comforting feeling, and yet....

yesterday was very drama-filled.. xP

pounding headache that lasted the entire day.. then my first day at street jazz class (omy~ i'm such a clutz), then the softball game, then more drama ending in tears.

i don't understand why change is so hard. it's so hard to change. and it's so hard to see what exactly it is that God's trying to teach you with the challenges and drama that He brings in our lives. sometimes i wonder if i'm going about it all wrong and that's why i'm having such issues. actually, i'm always wondering. am i messing up God's perfect plan? -__-;; is the way that i'm handling things impeding on what God wants me to learn and where God wants me to be? it's so hard to figure out what exactly is missing in your life. what it is that drives you. i want to be driven by a passion for God, but i find that that's getting harder and harder as i realize more and more that i'm so stubborn. i refuse to give my all to God, and that causes me drama.

i think we talked about this in small group.... i can feel that a storm is brewing near.. like, you know that anxious feeling you get when you know something's gonna happen. but then, i almost find comfort in knowing that i still feel that. i'm bracing myself because i have this feeling that God's gonna strike soon, but all because He still cares enough about me to bring me trials to ultimately draw me closer to Him... it's really strange the way that God works...

i'm always trying to give it up to God, but yet, i still hold on to things and the people of the world too. i don't know how to be strong in Him only. that's what causes me grief. it's the things that i hold onto that are having major issues because i'm trying to handle it, which is definitely not a good idea. i'm always trying so hard. i don't know if i can express what i mean by that... but i don't know... i guess the best way to say it is that i'm never content, so i'm always striving to make things better somehow.. you'd think that after 21 years of always falling when i tried to do it on my own i'd learn and just give it all to Him cuz it'd just be so much easier... but nooOOoo~ i gotta make things difficult for myself.

i want to be edifying.. and encouraging. i want to change! i need a change! i don’t want to worry about what i can handle, but just take things as they come. do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough troubles of its own. i want to stop trying. i want to start depending..

let's be strong for each other!

here i am, here i am~ nothing much to give... here i am, here i am~ asking for the privilege to be used by You. i want to be used by You. use me O Lord. make my life a living sacrifice. use me O Lord, to be a light in the darkest night~ Lord, for Your glory. Lord, for Your glory~

With every choice you make, you are either going toward God or away from Him...one or the other, pick and choose...it's as simple as that

I read that on someone's profile today, and it made me think. It's so true! Just like it says in the Bible that we can't be lukewarm in our faith, we can't be lukewarm in our choices either. I'm really good at that.. acting as mediator between my family has given me much practice as a "fence-sitter." For me, it's easier to just be kinda in the middle so that I'm not ever really wrong. I think that's what makes me so passionless. I don't have zeal because I'm so concerned about being right with everyone. But that's not the way it should be. Jesus even said that He has come with a sword to bring father against son, and mother against daughter. But I'm the type of person that's always aiming to please. I'll try and try until I totally burn myself out. It's not fun, yet I keep doing it because I don't know how to be any other way.

Last night, someone told me that I analyze things too much. I want every single detail analyzed and every single thing to come together and make sense to me. haha~ I know that's how I am. That's what makes me so frustrating, I suppose. I need things to make sense, but some things just don't make sense~ Like God's love for us. It doesn't make sense that the Creator would take His own Son and sacrifice Him for me. Like God's mercy for us. How can He continue to pursue me when I am always falling away from Him? God doesn't make sense! But I hold onto that desperately. I want to be less analytical and more passionate! *sigh* But I'm such a retard...

Missions Update:
I'm still looking for an organization to go with... I need to be more diligent in looking. I'm praying that I get this one spot that might be opening up, but they're not sure yet. I also need to get cracking on my support letter, and getting my passport.. so many things to take care of~~ But it'll all fall into place... I know it will. My heart is a lot more calmer now, I think. I want to do this, but I don't feel anxious like before. I feel more and more like it's what I should do. I'm itching to go.... woah~ so weird... danlee should know what I'm talking about... haha~ I used to be so violently opposed to going to missions... I think I almost bit his head off when he suggested that I go... ahaha~ (sorry danlee..) but I'm waiting for my turn now.

eric took me to eat steak today~ YUM!!! it was SO friggin good~ 12 oz of medium rare sirloin steak in my belly, giving me massive food coma right now.. *drool* thanks eric~ keke! it was SO YUM! it was good to get out too.. xP been stuck around here for too long.. i don't know. i've been having this feeling of restlessness lately. i just don't want to be here sometimes, but i know that i gotta do what i gotta do. sometimes i wish i was void of feelings so that i could just continue without thinking about how i'm going to feel later. you know what i mean? i think that feelings get in the way of me being productive. cuz sometimes i just sit there and do nothing cuz i don't "feel" like doing anything.. xP blah~ how lazy can i be? i don't know... i'm in this mood where i wish that i were really articulate so that i could write and write and feel refreshed, but i don't think that's gonna happen right now. my brain's just a muddle and i can't seem to dig any sense from it. i just feel so tired. like... him ppah jut suh, completely and totally. it's not a nice feeling.. it's just heavy. maybe it's just the food coma talking.. hehe~ i wouldn't be surprised if it were... maybe i should go get some sleep...

today was an ok day... except for the fact that i had a horrible horrible stomach ache.. i couldn't even sleep.. T-T it made me so sad. but then, i was semi-productive today. i read the rest of my book for my japanese lit class, and even attempted to do my japanese hw.. wow~ i was so good! keke... but i had a very interesting conversation with an undisclosed person today:

undisclosed: i'm too dark and you're too white... so we'll make a normal colored baby!
me: ahahahahahahaha!