can you believe how fickle people can be?? it's so amazing how words can flow out of a person's mouth, and 2 seconds later, they'll forget everything they just said. it's kind of amusing to try and guess how long it will take before that person will forget the things that they said.

but you know what's more amazing though? i fall for it every time...

i've heard all the stories. i've seen all the signs. witnessed all the glory. tasted all that's fine. but nothing compares to the greatness of knowing your love, O Lord. nothing compares to the greatness of knowing you love! i see this in my life. and see how much He's blessed me, yet it's so easy to take for granted all these things. it's so easy to complain and say that you have nothing. so easy to look at your neighbor with envy and ask God why you weren't as blessed...

it's so sad how ungrateful i am. i wonder why i feel like i deserve more than i have.. it's so easy to get apathetic about things in your life because you take for granted everything. even living. i know that i complain so much about how hard it is to just live, but why don't i just find joy that i am alive? i think i waste so much time trying to figure out why this and why that, instead of just accepting the fact that i don't have any control over my life. it would be so much easier to just take each day as it comes...you know? and to understand that my life is in the hands of a God that loves me so much that He would never do anything or bring any trouble that i can't handle.

it's been SO hard for me to get into the swing of school this semester. i went to the library for the 1st time this semester..and i actually read. it felt really good. i mean, i complain all the time about how i hate to study, but i don't think that's true. i'm just content that i have that ability, and so i don't do it anymore... no motivation.. if i look back at the past 5 weeks, i feel so.. unaccomplished. i've wasted all that time. i've missed so many lectures, skipped out on work to go home to "rest," done absolutely no studying...*sigh* i'm so unproductive... i want to remember that everyday is a gift from God, and i want to learn to make the most of everday! as chris rice so eloquently put it everyday is a journal page. every man holds a quill and ink. there's plenty of room for writing in all we do and believe and think. so will you compose a curse, or will today bring the blessings? fill the page with a writing verse or some random sketchings? teach us to count the days. teach us to make the days count. lead us in better ways. cuz somehow our souls forgot life means so much. everyday is a bank account. and time is our currency. so no one's rich nobody's poor, we get 24 hours each. so how are you gonna spend? will you invest or squander? try to get ahead or help someone who's under? teach us to count the days. teach us to make the days count. lead us in better ways. cuz somehow our souls forgot life means so much... i want to remember how beautiful life is. i want to study because that's why i'm here! i'm a student, so i should find joy in keeping up in my classes.. going to classes! -__-;; if i wouldn't concentrate so much on the things that are wrong in my life and try to look at everything that is right in my life, i'd probably be a much happier person... xP hopefully, i will learn...

God works in such mysterious ways... everyone you meet, everything that happens.. it's all for a greater purpose than myself... i am not great, and maybe one day i can pound that into my thick skull. even the bad things that happen in your life can be used to make you better. so even through my sufferings, especially through my sufferings, God is still making me holy. He's not through with me.. he's still trying to make me holy, even when i resist.. especially when i'm down and feeling hopeless! Healer, Heal me. Savior, save me. Maker, change me. Lover, love me! Cuz I’m so tired, of living for the kind of love that only lasts for a while. The pain, the shame, it tears me up inside…So I fall on my knees to get back on my feet again. And I cry out for you, would you please speak to me…Healer, Heal me. Savior, save me. Maker, change me. Lover, love me. Cuz I’m so tired, of living for the kind of love that only comes and goes. But your love, your love lasts forever…So I fall on my knees to get back on my feet again. And I cry out for you to hear you speak to me. Yes I fall on my knees to get back on my feet again. And I run hard for you to enter your rest!

so my awana sweeties are finally sleeping. x) gosh, i must say.. they have SO much energy! i'm pooped. but it was so much fun too. hehe. kids are so great. we didn't do anything special in particular, but we just had so much fun! we did taebo, we baked and decorated our cookies, we ate pizza, we watched princess diaries, we had a dance party (omy~ my girl alexandria can dance!).. it was so much fun! i miss those days when you didn't really have much to worry about. i guess it's easy to say that now, haha, but remember when you were kids and you thought being a kid was the hardest thing in the world? i guess that's how life goes.. it's just hard. whether you're still in second grade or in college. you'll always be a kid struggling to get through each day. i just wish that i could go back to those days of innocence when i didn't know anything. and my parents were always there to protect me from those bad things. hehe, i don't know. i think i'm just tired. haha~ oh, and my tummy is having some trouble digesting all that junk food! blech~ God is so great~! my kids are so beautiful! and i'm going to bed with such a content heart. maybe i should have sleepover every weekend... haha~ not! i'm so pooped! good night~!

i missed awana prayer meeting again today. x( some spiritual oak i'm becoming, huh? -__-;; i barely made it for missions training, and they asked a very simple but important question. why missions? why are you going? *sigh* and i was thinking.. gee, i really don't know! isn't that the dumbest thing? i honestly was trying to figure it out. why now? why missions? and i can't give an answer because i have no clue. it should be the first question that i thought about and answered, but i didn't.. stupid of me, huh? i haven't even done any research... i guess in a lot of ways i just expect everything to fall into place if i'm supposed to go. haha, stupid mentality huh? i guess i just don't really understand this whole missions thing is supposed to go. i guess i just wish i knew whether i was meant to go, or just meant to support.. i know i haven't really thought of missions before recently, and it's hard, i guess. to try and figure out everything..and to top it off, i guess i'm still dealing with other issues. everytime i think that i've finally got a handle on things, it falls apart again. it's hard to try and keep everything the way that it should be. it's hard to be strong when you feel so weak. it's hard to try and be a good person when you're not. it's hard to try and pretend that things are ok when they're not. it's hard to be real when you feel so fake. no one ever said that it was going to be easy, i suppose. maybe i'm making things a lot worse than they are, and causing it to be blown out of proportion. but this is leaking out into the other parts of my life, and making me apathetic to a lot of things which is bad. so i need to hurry up and get a handle on things. or to learn to give it up to Him.

dear Lord, are you there listening to my little prayer? i don't know exactly what to say. i've been told that you love me and when i call you'll help me when i fall. i should let you have it all. what i guess i'm trying to say is i need you in my life. cuz i know i'm tired of living in the past. i would like to take a chance on a change deep inside. i believe that this is one that's gonna last. so here's my heart it's been broken it's been wounded, but i'll give it all to you if you would love me here's my life if you want it you can have it. i will give it all to you because you love me. your love is everything i need. because you alone are good. you are the only one i need i bow all of me at your feet i worship you alone. you have given me more than i could ever have wanted and i want to give you my heart and my soul. you alone are Father and you alone are GOOD. you alone are Savior and YOU ALONE are GOD. so help me be filled with awesome wonder at how great you are! o Lord my God when i in awesome wonder, consider all the worlds thy hand have made. i see the stars i hear the rolling thunder thy power throughout the universe displayed. then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! and when i think that God his son not sparing, sent him to die i scarce can take it in. that on the cross, my burdens gladly bearing He bled and died to take away my sin. then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation and take me home what joy shall fill my heart? then i shall bow in humble adoration and there proclaim, my God how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art!

so i want to follow you because i believe in everything you are!

do you want to be a spiritual squash or a spiritual oak?
that was our lesson today..although i may not look like much now, and although i may struggle so much with not being where i want to be, i'm going to wait for God to keep working in me first. only then can He do great things through me.. right? i think it's so easy for us, especially now, to think that we can do things on our own. that's what we're taught from day one. we're taught that if we work hard, then we'll achieve our goals, no matter how impossible that may seem. but that's so opposite when it comes to being a Christian. there's NO way you can earn the grace that God has graciously given to us. and by us trying still to win His favor just shows that we don't think that His grace was good enough for us. i always try so hard to do the right things. i get so lost in trying to impact other people in my life. i'm so arrogant. what makes me so much greater than anyone else? i'm not a great person, i know that.. but i guess i spend so much time trying to convince myself and those around me that i'm a good person.. that's why i'm so glad that God is so good. almighty infinite Father, faithfully loving Your own. Here in the weakness You find us, falling before Your throne. Oh~ we're falling before Your throne. You are the One that we praise. You are the One we adore. You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for. Oh~ our hearts always hunger for. because only He can fill that empty void in my heart. and only He has proven how much He loves me and sent His only Son to die for the sins that i've committed. who else would do that? if He can do that, i should be able to wait for him. i gotta wait for His time.. because my timing always stinks! so i will wait to become the oak. i will be patient even when it seems so impossible for God to be able to do anything with me. i will wait for His time. i am imperfect now. but God's not through with me yet. even when it seems like i can't make it through.. i'm so secure, You're here with me. You stay the same, your love remains here in my heart. So close, i believe you're holding me now in your hands, i belong, you'll never let me go! all along you were beside me even when i couldn't tell. through the years you show me more of You, More of YOU! so now, Lord I offer my life to You. Everything I've been through use it for Your glory. Lord I offer my days to You, lifting my praise to You as a pleasing sacrifce. Lord I offer you my life! because I WANT TO BE A SPIRITUAL OAK!

well, here's my new blog set up. (THANKS JJONGMIN!! u da best! xD)
i really really like it.. there are a few links.. hehe~ yay! i'm so happy. sadly though, i don't really have much to blog right now. i'm really jittery because i had a coffee boba today at small group, and i guess it's kickin in right now.. -__-;; not a good thing.. or maybe it is. maybe i'll get some reading done tonight. hehe~

man, i think i might be gettin some carpel's tunnel~! my wrists hurt~!!! x__X not a good sign.. spewwww~ i'm such an online junkie~~! oh well, hehe~ i suppose everyone is though.. hehe~ age of the internet.. blessing? curse? seriously, think about how much time you spend in front of your computer. you no longer have to meet up with people to actually talk to them. there's icq, aim, yahoo messenger, etc etc~ so many! email, BLOGS.. there's almost no need for human interaction.. how sad is that.. *sigh* haha, maybe i should stop goin online and see how much out of the loop i will be... haha, i probably wouldn't last an hour! i need my aim! (how sad is that??) ok, i think the coffee is really hitting me hard. i should stop before ppl think i'm more psycho than they already do.. hehe ^^;; night y'all!

My colorgenics profile:

You are constantly hoping that your good fellowship and attitude and your "love for your fellow man (or women)" will give you peace of mind .... You need people- (YUP, THIS IS SO TRUE. SAD, I SHOULD JUST DEPEND ON GOD, BUT I ALWAYS SEEM TO DEPEND ON PEOPLE) You need people around you to care for you and to show you that they care. It is this hope that keeps you going...The hope that makes you the type of person that indeed you are. Your own need for approval seemingly makes you always ready to help others... and in exchange you seek love, warmth and understanding...You will always listen to others and you are open to new ideas which hopefully will prove fruitful and interesting.

Now there are many things in life that you require as being essential to your well-being ... but try as you may - something always seems to be getting in your way .... a word of advice .... "keep trying" and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out - .

You feel truly deprived ... not getting your fair share, but you have accepted the fact that that is the way things are at this time (YUP, I'M BETTER AT LETTING THINGS GO, THAN TRYING TO FIGHT AND KEEP THEM THE WAY I WANT IT), and that it is prudent to let matters slide and not hit your head against the wall ....so conform and agree for a while..accept the situation...nothing can last forever.. (YUP~ I SO THINK THAT! NOTHING IS FOREVER. WELL, EXCEPT FOR GOD. BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT)

Whatever has caused the situation...you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. (SADLY TRUE) What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person (HAHA, YUP~ I'M A GONGJOO AND I KNOW IT) and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord...you are like the tide,.. flotsam and jetsam...One minute you experience "highs" and a few moments later "lows". This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and it is the demanding attitude, the ideal state you desire, is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. (OMG, THIS IS SO TRUE! -___-;;) You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you...and you find it difficult to listen to, or to take advice from anyone. (HAHA, THOSE OF YOU THAT KNOW ME BEST KNOW THIS. I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON TO TRY AND GIVE ADVICE TO) You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle, and you strive to ally yourself with others of similar tastes.

You feel that you need to move on. You feel that you are not appreciated or valued for what you are .. and that the time is "now". Failure to do so will not afford you the conditions to prove your worth.

what do you think? true? untrue? i think i see a lot of truth.. it's kinda scary....-___-;;; man, i got TOO much time on my hands~ ahaha~

Best time to blog?
a) whenever
b) when you're bored
c) at school
d) at work

right now, my answer would be d). hehe~ so here I am.. sitting around, not doing much. (Can you believe they pay me to be here??) hehe~ best jobs are University ones.. puhee~
So i never did get to studying last night. haha.. I just went to sleep. Which is good too. At least I didn't stay up and waste more time. I've been getting more sleep this semester than I have ever my life. I think I slept less in high school. xP I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it's not all bad because at least I don't feel dead all the time. hehe... But I really should get crackin on those books. *sigh* I know I'll miss all of this when I leave and have to work everyday. (eww~ working sux too..) Anywho.. speakin of work, I guess I better start.. hehe

hello everyone..
well this is probably the first time that i'm actually writing on the web so people can read it.. hehe, weird.. so don't be too frightened by the things that i write..

i guess i'm just bloggin because i don't want to study (the story of my life..hehe) and i guess it's stress relieving to write. it's so strange. i don't think i should have anything to be stressed about. my lil sisters and some friends came up for the wkend. it was ok. kinda crazy, and a lil stressful because of some drama, but then it was ok. i mean, nothing too bad. and it was nice to have them up here for a bit (for a bit, mind u.. i'm glad they're gone now.. hahaha~ love ya haerie and mierie!) but i don't know. other than that.. and some other crisis here and there, things are ok. i guess it's hard though, because there are some ppl in my life that were always there that are missing now. it makes it hard to be ok... it's hard when you lose the people that are special to u. especially when you know that it's u that messed up and made it that way. why do i always mess up, u ask? i don't know.. why don't we ask God.. -__-;; because He's the only one that knows what is in this screwy head of mine and what it is that makes me do and say the things that i do...

*sigh* sometimes it's just hard being. you kno? just living.. it's hard to pretend that things are ok when u know deep down that they aren't. it's harder to pretend that you're ok with things when you're really not. hard to put into words how you feel, and hard to express them without saying things wrong. it's hard to really be ok with the way things happen, even when you know that it's for the best... ya kno? i wish too much.. i can sit here all night and think up a bazillion wishes and wish that they would all come true. hehe.. but then i guess life would be sorta boring. you would be able to wish all the things that you don't like away, and all the things that you want here. but it would be nice sometimes to have that power.. i think too much. haha~ i should do more productive things with my time, huh? i don't know. man~ i can't seem to get into the swing of things.. school.. ech. it's school.. i can't get into the swing~ and it's already fifth week! -__-;; i guess i should just pull myself together and get it done..huh? it's so hard though.. when there are things that are missing.. people that are missing. *sigh* i screwed up big time, huh?

and to make things harder i promised myself that i wouldn't think about guys anymore. they're nothing but trouble (trust me haerie and mierie.. u don't need them until waaaay later..) they cause nothing but unwanted stress. i admit, it's nice to have someone, but i don't know if it's worth it right now. but then that makes me SO bored.. (haha) but yeah.. usually when things like this hit me, i'd just look for a guy to at least like from afar.. u kno? just that unattainable thing.. but now, i'm trying to keep my mind off of that too. so i have nothing to think about except for my boring boring life.. -___-;; it's hard, man~ haha~ i'm so boy-crazy haha... well, anywho.. i guess i should be somewhat productive today and at least get some sleep. haha~ NIGHT!!

Prone to wander ~ Chris Rice

On the surface not a ripple
Undercurrent wages war
Quiet in the sanctuary
Sin is crouching at my door
Ohh~

How can I be so prone to wander,
so prone to leave you,
so prone to die
And how can you be
so full of mercy and race
to meet me to bring me back to life~
Ohh~

I wait to find my soul in fragments
Give into a thousand loves
Only one will have no rival
Hangs to heal me
Spills his blood..
Ohh~

How can I be so prone to wander,
so prone to leave you,
so prone to die
And how can you be
so full of mercy and race
to meet me to bring me back to life~

Curse reversing day of Jesus
When you finally seize my soul
Freedom from myself will be the sweetest rest
I’ve ever know

How can I be so prone to wander,
so prone to leave you,
so prone to die
And how can you be
so full of mercy and race
to meet me to bring me back to life~

dang~ this song describes me so well.. it's scary. i guess the greatest thing is that He always races back to meet me and bring me back. no matter how many times i turn away, He is always there with His arms open to take me back. and i don't know why or how i'm not satisfied or content with that kind of love. how can i be so selfish and ungratefuL? wow. it's so amazing, God's love. it really is... i can't understand why He would waste it on me. but i'm SO grateful that He finds me worthy somehow. SO thankful that He is so great and i am so not. x) it's really a great thing to be His child....