it's been a while since i've actually written something meaningful on this thing.... keke, but then.. i've always been afraid to be too real on something so public. even if no one reads it, just the fact that people are able to read it if they happen to chance across it kind of scares me... it's like putting yourself out there for everyone to critique... i don't know... it's kind of weird, isn't it?

home was good. it was nice to just chill. i saw 3 movies this weekend: ice age, panic room, and amelie. they were all pretty good, so i was happy. it's been a long time since i saw a movie, so it was good. i spent a little time with my mom too, which was good. my sister and her husband brought me back up on sat. i drove most of the way, which was interesting because i've always been the passenger. omg~ i don't know how you drivers do that back and forth! i thought i would die by the 5th hour. given, the drive was 1.5 hours longer than usual.. xP we hit this stupid accident along the 580 that kept us on the road for a total of 7.5 hours! ugh, gag me with a spoon~

i had sort of a weird moment. my family has never really talked about religion at home. even though i was raised in a Christian family, i think church things have stayed, for the most part, at church. when i was younger, i remember my mom would tell me Bible stories and things like that, but other than that, i don't ever recall having a serious conversation concerning our walk, or anything of that matter. but this weekend, my mom asked me and my little sister if we were Christian. what a strange question to ask, huh? But she wanted to know if Jesus were to come right now, did we think we would go to Heaven. we both answered yes, but we were both uncomfortable too. it made me think.. why were we so uncomfortable? that's my mom asking me.. what would i have to feel weird about? i mean, here i am thinking of going to missions this summer, and i feel uncomfortable when my mom asks me a simple question about my faith. am i ready? i don't know.. i know that no one is ever ready to go to missions... but still, it made me think twice i guess. my sister tried to shift the conversation, perhaps, and started to talk about the book she is currently reading, left behind. it talks about the rapture and the people left behind, or whatever. gosh~ i don't know much about revelations.. i don't think i've ever heard it called the rapture, so my mom kinda flipped out and tried to give me a condensed version of revelations... in korean.. haha~ so it wasn't too successful, but it did peak my interest in reading more about it. my mom kept saying how scary it's going to be if you get left behind. but this kind of gave me the chance to bring up missions and finally finally get her permission. so it looks as if that's all set to go.. i just need to find an organization to go with.. -__-;; but at least i have my parent's permission. woo hoo~!

man, it sucks to be back in school~ i want to go to sleep, but i have to write an article in japanese tomorrow about how sucky the university toilets are. -__-;;

I'M GOING HOME!!!! GOD IS SO GREAT! hehe~ This random girl that just happened to be still on the ficB-chat email list emailed me~ woo hoo! and she's goin home on thurs morning, so i'm hitching a ride.. i don't know this girl, but THANK YOU EMILY HONG! keke~ she's my year too~ ooh~ i get to go home AND meet new friends! woo hoo! GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!!!

omg~! i'm SO bored! everyone's gone.. norman was here, but then he left. eddie was here, but he left too! now i am all alone... *sniff* somebody take me home~~~~~~~ please??? it's not worth it to work this week. i miss my mommy! waaaa~~

ok.. whining's outta my system now. *sigh* it's not so bad. i get a lot of down time. maybe i should be productive and get some reading done for my classes... (hahah~ yea right) but i dunno.. we'll see, i suppose. i need to get to lakeshore mall somehow. does anyone wanna drive me there? i'll be your friend forever! (jong? i think you're the only one left here.... wanna take me??) hehe~ working's not so bad... at least my bosses are very friendly and they're sooo nice. i'm actually very proud of myself. i made it into work this morning at 8! (ok, so i was 15 mins late.. but still! for those of you that know me, you know how much of a morning person i am NOT!) but somehow, i made it here... kind of on time... and i slept pretty late last night.. like 2 or something. i was on the phone with luptuous (thanks for calling and keeping me company girl!) having a very interesting conversation that included old habits, boys, and tattoos. keke~ but i made it to work this morning.. (yay haejin!)

this has been my exciting life for the past few days. yesterday, i didn't make it at 8.. haha, i didn't get in until 1 pm yesterday. but it was all good, cuz my bosses weren't even expecting me. after work, i went shopping around berkeley and bought 'Prince of Egypt' and 'Rugrats the Movie' at amoeba.. i was lookin for the 'moulin rouge' dvd, but i couldn't find it. T-T but it's ok, cuz i went online, and bought it at bestbuy.com for like $19 or something like that.. yee hee~ i also got 'the others' pre-ordered (such a good movie!) so i'm waiting for those.. how exciting is my life?? haha~ so much excitement, i don't know if i can contain myself~!

i actually tried to work on my missions applications and stuff for that... xP that's taking a lot more time than i would have thought. hopefully i get that done this week so that i won't have to worry about it if i get to go home (please please!!) i actually have some japanese hw too.. xP stupid language class...never gives you a break. so i guess i should work on that too... *sigh*

speaking of missions... i finally talked to my dad. and the strangest thing happened. he didn't yell at me at all. he was very calm and even supportive! i was kinda relieved, but confused. my mom is the one that used to drag my dad to church, literally kicking and screaming... but this time, my mom's the one that's reluctant about letting me go, and my dad is being very supportive... funny how things turn out....

if anyone is heading down to la anytime soon, please! email me!! (byulgzr@hotmail) i'll be waiting~~~~

p.s. hey izzie~ if you happen to run across my blog.. if you wanna do the comments thing, click on the YACCS thing at the bottom of the post.. ^^;; they have detailed instructions. you might have to log out of my name or something like that.. x) but it's really simple! keke, have fun~

It's kind of scary that you'll be held accountable to everything that you do and even say. I was reading Matthew today, and I came across this:

"But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." (Matt. 12:36-37)

I don't know about you, but I'm so careless with my words, so this verse stuck out at me. I need to be more careful with the things that I say and the consequences of my words. I want to be glorifying God in all that I do and all that i say. It's hard sometimes, because it's so easy for words to slip out... especially when I'm joking around or something, and something will come out completely wrong, and I end up hurting someone's feelings.. xP I have such a big mouth. I want to be more glorifying with my words...

YAY!! I'm DONE!!!!! for now.....

no one could be able to tell that i have a midterm and a quiz in japanese tomorrow, huh? i really don't want to study. i should just sleep and at least get some rest.. but instead, i've been tryin to figure out how to decipher my dad's tax forms so that i can finish my SAR (which i didn't). and i finished my petition for double majoring.. keke, i just need to turn it in.. x) so i was slightly productive....now kristy's coming to kick me off my computer so i can study~ woo hoo.. xP *sigh* good night y'all~

The simplicity of the Gospel message is amazing. Yet, we make it so much more complex with all our lies to ourselves... Why can't I just accept the Gospel for all that it really is? But sometimes, it's hard to believe that God would want me still. Even though I'm satan's greatest weapon.. and even though I fail and fall so many times, He still comes to get me up. He still comes and drags me back to my feet. I don’t know why, I can’t see how your precious blood could cleanse me now. When all this time I’ve lived a lie with no excuse, no alibi. All I know is I find mercy; All my shame You take from me. All I know, your cross has power, and the blood You shed cleanses me. It’s way beyond what I can see how anyone could die for me? So underserved this precious grace. You’ve won my heart, I’ll see Your face. All I know is I find mercy; All my shame You take from me. All I know, your cross has power, and the blood You shed cleanses me. Yes, Lord, Your blood cleanses even ME! And You know all my dirty secrets, and all the sin that I hide in my heart.. You know even things that I don't know about... And yet, You still tell me that I'm Yours. Not only do you love me, but You've called me to be a part of Your family! WOW! keke, I love being Yours! Here's my heart, it's been broken, it's been wounded, but I'll give it all to you if you would love me. Here's my life, if you want it, you can have it. I will give it all to you because you love me. Your love is everything I need!

MY SISTER GOT INTO UCLA! omg! i'm SO proud of her! and happy~ tee hee, and she was all stressing thinking that she wouldn't get into any schools. but she got irvine, la, and santa barbara. she's just waiting for sd and for berkeley (*cross fingers*) doode, how crazy if she decided to come to berkeley. that would be dope. keke~ but i dunno.. WOW! i'm so proud!!!! hehe, just wanted to spread my joy.. YAYEE YAYEE~~!

sometimes i feel like i'm walking around in a dreamlike slumber. i don't really think about anything, but i just look at things the way that i make it out to seem. you know? like if a picture's sorta fuzzy, you keep looking and looking, and then you start to form this image in your mind, but you're still not quite sure if that's what it is.. but you convince yourself that it must be what you think it is... in this state, i'm almost content. probably because i don't really do any thinking... but i'm almost happy. i let myself be fooled that things are the way that they seem... i don't look too deeply at the fuzzy images, and i go on thinking that it's something else. then i get jolted awake by a pain in my heart, when i realize that the image in my mind was all wrong..and i find it's not so great after all. it's even to the point of unbearable at times. but instead of learning and stayin awake and alert, i slip back into my slumber.. and it starts all over again...
but sometimes, i'll wake up to the sweetest moments. those are the best...i talked to an old friend today. made my day... those moments are nice.. it makes you forget the unpleasant ones for a moment and just be...

I HATE WRITING PAPERS!!!! T-T I have a 10-pager due tomorrow. Guess what page I'm on??? page 2.. x( *sigh* I guess I'm not getting any sleep tonight. But the good thing is, I skipped work and class and took a nap. A 5-hour nap! ahah~ So hopefully, it lasts me through the night. I'm a lil high on coffee too.. hehe, so I'll be good for at least another few hours....haha, so i hope.....

i would take no for an answer just to know i heard you speak. and i'm wondering why i've never seen the signs they claim they see. are the special revelations meant for everybody but me. maybe i don't truly know you, or maybe i just simply believe. now i've never felt the presence, but i know you're always near, and i've never heard the calling, but somehow u've led me right here. so i'm not lookin for burning bushes or some divine grafitti to appear. i'm just beggin you for your wisdom, and i believe your puttin some here. cuz i can sniff and i can see and i can count up pretty high, but these faculties aren't getting me closer to the sky.but my heart of faith keeps pounding, so i know i'm doing fine, but sometimes finding u is like tryin to smell the color nine. nine's not a color, and even if it were u can't smell a color~ that's my point exactly... (chris rice is funny, hehe)

does anyone wanna write my paper for me???????????

so i refused to give up on the image on the template, and i found out that you can put images onto the template, but it only works sometimes. xP *sigh* dumb html. seriously it's so addicting!
i'm at work again. taking a "short break" hehe~ i missed class today. -__-;; i can't be missing any more japanese! xP but i woke up at 10:30, and my class is at 10. -__-;; so i barely made it to work. blah. i'm soooooo tired! and i still have my 10 page ppr to write.. boo hooO~~~ life is gonna suck at least until spring break, i suppose.. poo! but at least when spring break comes along, i'll be ready for my break.. hehe, with NO school, and maybe no work.. depending on whether i go home or not. yee hee~ how wonderfuL~!

i guess i'm pretty much decided that i want to go to missions this summer. unfortunately, my mother is not too excited that i'm going, and i haven't mustered the courage up to even mention it to my dad. i was pretty surprised at my mom's reaction too.. because my mom's usually so gung-ho about anything that has to do with church, but she just didn't seem too happy about my desire to go to china. my mom asked me why all of a sudden, and i didn't really have a straight answer for her. i don't know why this it is this summer that i got a strange curiosity to go, but as the weeks have passed, i get the feeling that this is what God is calling me to do this summer. (which is also a new sensation for me.. very strange to think that God is actually pulling me towards something...) but if i do go to missions, there are a whole lot of other problems that are going to be stressing me... like work, and LSAT school, and summer school...xP so i don't know. i want to go, but i don't know. i think maybe it's more of an obligation type of thing right now. like, i feel that i should go because i'm called to go. xP is that a good thing?? i don't even know where i'm going to go...*sigh* i'm not so sure about anything anymore...

thinking is hazardous to my health. robert says so....

you know how you pray really hard for something, and you're expecting and waiting, and expecting, and then He FINALLY answers your prayer.. and you should be SO happy and jumping up and down.. but you're not, cuz you didn't like the answer you got? -__-;; that's me.. *sigh*

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

Romans 12:12
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

These are my prayer requests..
I am SO selfish...I want so much to be more loving.... I want to be content in God. In the simplicity of His love for me. He loves me, and that's all that matters! That's my prayer....

so eric says that my blogs are too long.. -___-;; well soooorry~~ sheesh! i can't help it that i babble a lot... you don't have to read them!! i just write to write..... so BOO on you eric~ (do i sound mad? cuz i'm not.. ) hehe~ anyways... work, yes. that's what i'm here to do

it's amazing how much media effects the way we think...
here i am at work. i do a lot of donor research, and part of that research requires me to look up their spouses and to check if they were berkeley alums. and everytime i come across a pair that were undergrads or grads tg, i can't help but wonder if they met here at berkeley then got married, or if they met here, but then met again later then decided to get married. like fate dictates who you will marry, yatta yatta... (that and i'm mighty bored here at work, so i have time to think about these pointless subjects..) i wonder why the media or how the media came up with such an idea. we've all seen it. those bazillion romances where they meet, and they're perfect for each other. then something happens and they keep missing the opportunity, but in the end, we all know they'll be together.. ya kno? and we all fall into that trap of believing in that romantic notion that one day we'll meet "the one" and we'll live happily ever after....

well, BOO on fate!

so i finally figured out that you can't put images onto the template of the blog. but u can put some of them onto your blogs.. *sigh* i guess i'll have to live with that. haha, but it's pretty cool, cuz i learned how to do a lil html. (woo hoo! thanks jae! *muah*) so i guess it wasn't all a loss. hehe. and i'm supposed to be reading my book.. hee hee~ or at least coming up with my thesis for my ppr due next week. BOO! anyways..

today, while i was supposed to be getting my last minute cram for my midterm, i was reading through Romans.. and here's what i got:
Romans 5:3-5
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character , hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

this is actually one of sylvia's favorite verses, i think.. hehe~ but.. if you think about it, it sounds almost ridiculous... to rejoice in our sufferings.. xP how dumb, huh? but i don't know. i did get a lot of comfort from this verse today. especially as i was lookin at my incomplete notes with sleepy scratch marks everywhere... -__-;; that and the fact that i wasn't really able to concentrate. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it's just come to make me realize how much i need to depend on God. and how our sufferings are a joyous thing because when we suffer, we cry out for help. and it's when we are fellowshiping with God that our souls and our hearts are the most content. as we learned in small group last week, prayer is the most intimate communion we can have with God. i know when i'm suffering, i'm down on my knees a whole lot more than when things are good, so i guess it is a great thing that i'm going through some stuff right now... God works in such mysterious ways.. and His ways are so great! hehe, even if it may not FEEL like it, i KNOW it! this is the air i breathe. you're Holy presence living in me. and i~ i'm desperate for You. and i~ i'm lost without You~ so hopefully through my sufferings, i am able to believe in the hope that You have poured out your love for me!

have a good night everyone~!

Go Faeries!!


Take the What Faery Are You? Quiz!

This quiz was made by lia

so i added my daddy's link. i made it myself.. haha, so no making fun! it's my first one. (thanks martin!) but i know it needs lots of work. i just wanted to get it to him in time for his birthday.. i'm goin to learn html so i can make it prettier.. hehe~ woo hoo~ anyways...oo oo, and notice the comment thing i added.. YAY! hehe~ i'm really interested in learning web design now.. it's pretty fun once u get into it.. too bad i'm not supposed to be working on webpage things right now.. xP I SHOULD BE STUDYING!! i have a midterm tm, yes i do! hehe... story of my life.. hehe~ but it's all good!

hold me close, let your love surround me. bring me near, draw me to your side. as i wait, i rise up like the eagle~ and i will soar with you, your spirit leads me on, by the power of your love! and you know what else? God doesn't love us because of who WE are, but He loves us because of who HE is.. GREAT, huh?! i'm so glad it doesn't depend on me.....*SMILE* everyone!

how great is God? obviously He is very very great. but in my life, have i let Him be as great as He can be? do i walk into every situation holding God's hand? i don't think i have. i guess i'm still holding onto the hope that i can actually make a difference on my own. this isn't possible, but sometimes it's so hard to let go. it's hard to let go of people that you think you can be good for, but i think in the end, you end up being bad for them. i've been struggling a lot with my shortcomings. not just in the spiritual aspect, but even in things such as friendship. it's hard to let people be. haha, i guess i'm just the annoying type. i want to hold on, even when my holding on is causing grief and making problems for myself. i guess it's just my battle with feelings and knowledge again. we went over Romans 8 today in Bible study. wow. what a great chapter! i don't think i ever really realized how secure i am in His love. i'm always unsure. unsure that one day i might do something so horrible that God could never forgive me. unsure about whether God could really love someone as horrible as myself. unsure that i will ever be able to do anything to please Him. unsure about myself, my worth. but it says in the Bible that nothing, not even death, can separate me from the love of Jesus. what great news! and yet.. how hard it is to truly believe it without any doubt... yeah, i think i KNOW it, but it's just hard to FEEL it sometimes. i'm so tired. i have another japanese test tomorrow. i should really study. but i think i'm just going to sleep. i've been battling with myself all day. trying to figure out what it is that really want. what the heck do i want? i don't know. i think i'm just so emotionally and mentally drained. i don't know why, but i've been having a lot of internal struggles. about who i've become, and how i don't like who i've become. and trying to deal with it, i suppose. I'M SO SECURE, You're here with me! you stay the same, Your LOVE REMAINS! no matter what~! and let me hold on to the simplicity of that fact! help me to remember that in all things You are with me, so i can make it through each day.....teach me to say "it is well, it is well with my soul!"

hehe, yet another personality test (why am i so fascinated by these things? shouldn't i know my own personality? xP) but, yeah.. i'm a blue.. hehe what color are you?


The Blue Personality

Blues Are Motivated By Altruism
Blues love to do nice things for others. They look for opportunities to give up something in order to bring another person happiness. Selflessness, rather than selfishness, is their guiding philosophy. Many Blues are uncomfortable doing things solely for themselves. They hold doors open for people, offer rides when someone's car breaks down, contribute to charities, even devote their entire lives to helping others.

Blues Seek Intimacy
More than anything else, Blues want to love and be loved. A true Blue will sacrifice a successful career to improve an important relationship. Once considered solely a female characteristic, this nurturing is more accurately understood as a Blue personality trait.

Blues Crave Being Understood
Blues are gratified when they are listened to, when they feel understood and appreciated. They are notorious for revealing their inadequacies, because they value being known and understood so much. In the eye of a Blue, being vulnerable is a small price to pay for the chance to connect emotionally. Blues may have their hearts broken more than most people, but they also spend much more time in love.

Blues Need To Be Remembered And Appreciated
With Blues, a simple pat on the back will not suffice. Blues expend such great effort in making the world a better place that sometimes they need to be told how wonderful they are. They need to be thanked and specifically remembered for their good deeds. They need sincere gratitude. They delight in being remembered on birthdays and other special days, especially if the rememberance is personal - a homemade anniversary card, a welcome home party, a special day that isn't on the calender. Blues need tender loving care.

Blues Are Directed By A Strong Moral Conscience
Blues are motivated to behave in a proper, appropriate manner. They have a moral code that guides them in their decision making, their value judgements, even their leisure time. Blues enjoy being "good." Of all the personality colors, Blues come equipped with the strongest sense of integrity. A Blue would rather lose that cheat. Blues are trustworthy. Ethically, Blues are the people who should be in positions of power, but seldom are.

jong min's callin me a blog-traitor because i sided with hayeun~ ahahaha! how funny~ hehe, but it's all good because i know that he doesn't mean it! right???

today was a fairly good day~ first of all, i made it to class on time (wow!) and the hw that i thought was due today but didn't do anyway wasn't due today! x) hehe. then i went to work.. then a review session, and the review session was a lot more helpful that i was expecting. and so, i ditched my last class (puhee) and went home.. and today, i saw a friend.. a really close friend that i haven't seen since school started. and it was SOOOO good to see him. AND i got a new toy! woo hoO~~!! new dvd/mp3/vcd player!!! i was like.. "WOAH!" so, yeah, i was fooling around with it. and then i did some cleaning... and now, i'm just wasting time.. it was such a chill day. (which isn't that great, since i have a test and a midterm monday and tuesday....but it's ok) xD i'm happy anyway.. hehe dang! seriously though. i really had a good day. GOD IS GREAT! and today was also sooo beautiful! actually the past week has been beautiful! x) hehe~ doode, seriously though.. God is so great! hee hee~ not only when things are goin ok, but God is great ALL THE TIME!!!

so today, i was reading Matthew 6. kind of randomly, i guess. it was great! read it if you get the chance.. x)

hehe. right now.. i should be studying for my japanese vocab quiz tomorrow.. x( but i just can't seem to concentrate.. ack~~! i must not waste time! must study so i can sleep. sleep good! study bad! sleep gooooood....