so i guess i haven't really blogged in a long time. i keep writing meaningless one-liners because i'm kind of anal about keeping up with stuff that i started.. xP hehe~ lately, i've been going through a lot of stuff that requires more self-reflection... things that i wouldn't really want to be posted up for the world to see, i suppose. maybe that means that i'm fake, but i mean... who truly puts all of themself out there? you'd be in such a vulnerable position. i think i've been struggling with that a lot... how much is too mucH? how much of yourself can you give without getting hurt? my relationships with people tend to be either one extreme or the other--either intense, or very surfacy. i don't really have any in between relationships.. (i think i feel too fake if i try too hard to pretend like i know everyone) but, anyway... i've been struggling with my intense relationships. i tend to be the one at the shorter end, which means that i end up getting hurt a lot. sometimes really badly. but i'm also the type of person that just can't let a person go no matter how badly they've treated me. it's like that song,
foolish by ashanti. i think that should be my theme song... i feel like if i stay and stick it out, one day they'll learn to appreciate me. but we went over this is small group--i don't need anyone to tell me my value. i need to remember that i'm so valuable to God. He sent His only son for me. i mean that much to Him. yet, here i am, spitting on His love by seeking value from other people. if i think about that, i feel so stupid.. so horribly stupid because i have so much, yet i seek something so worthless. but i don't know.. when i struggle with this, my friends always ask me if it's worth it. i guess in my mind, i'd hope that i was worth that to other people, and i feel like everyone's worth the effort. people are worth my effort. but my friends keep telling me that some people aren't worth it.. maybe they're right. it would save me a lot of grief...but at the same time, i grieve when i can't be good enough for other people too. it's a never-ending battle with myself. i don't think i ever realized how much i let the people in my life define me. define who i am, what i do.. even in the decisions that i make, i think i always try to think of what would make the other person feel the most comfortable. recently, i encountered a situation in which the other person told me to make my decision not based on them, but based on what i wanted.. what my heart was telling me.. and i couldn't come up with anything. my mind seriously went blank. maybe i use other people as a way to come to any decision because i'm such a fickle person which makes me so indecisive. i feel like, that way, i still have some control over what is going on. i decided to let that person treat me that way... or something along those lines... but as i get older, i find that even this is getting harder. it's so tiring... i get so drained emotionally when things like this happen.. but at the same time, i let them happen! T-T i don't think there's anyone that's as fickle/retarded as me. i don't want to be treated that way, but i allow it because i'd rather have people than not. how sad is that? i need to stop trying to be a people pleaser and try to live for myself. try to make decisions based on being a God-pleaser.. not a people-pleaser..
Lord, please guide me. Help me to discern what is good and what is bad for me. Help me to discern the difference between being forgiving and just being a pushover. I struggle with trying to decide whether I'm being too lenient or if that's what I'm supposed to be doing.. if this is how I'm supposed to be feeling... Give me wisdom to know when enough is enough. Continue to work in me, to pursue after my heart. Because my heart is so stubborn and is rebellious and is prone to disobey. Please take my heart and mold it into what You desire for me... In your precious Son's name I pray.. Amen
