i have a STY!!! :(

what the heck!?!?! not only is it unattractive, but it HURTS like a mother!

:(

booo~~

i suck.

i was supposed to study today during work, but instead i wasted 3 hours surfing the net.

i'm an idiot.

hmm.. i think that's becoming my theme...

in spite of me...

God tried really hard to wake me up this morning (cuz i asked Him to) my cats were going crazy!! freakin a~ they were flipping over their food bowls and etc, and one of them straight up ran into my head. and.. uh, i still didn't get up. i was up from 7am-8am.. but i just stayed in bed.. *sigH* woke up again at 10:20am. missed the first 30 mins of my second lecture.

i'm an idiot.

wow it's been awhile.

nothing has changed tho. my life is a sad and mundane one.

wow.. that really describes my life right now..

mundane (adj) 1. Of, relating to, or typical of this world; secular. 2.Relating to, characteristic of, or concerned with commonplaces; ordinary. (dictionary.com)

1. of this world.. this seems to be my only life.

i feel so empty even at church. so i've kinda given up.. i mean i go to church, but that's all i do. i go. it's not a priority. when i first got here, if i didn't get to go to church i'd feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and i would have to trudge through the week for the next sunday. when i got to go to church, it was the sweetest rest and the best way for me to end a harrowing week and start a new one.

last sunday, i didn't make it to church. not only that, i didn't feel anything for not going. i listened to p. eug's easter sermon, but that didn't do it either. i mean, i enjoyed, the sermon, but it didn't have that same effect..

i've drowned myself in my sins, and i no longer feel any guilt for them.. i ignore my conscience tellin me that it's wrong. i just don't think about it and my guilt just lays dormant.. i know i'll regret it later, but i still do it b/c it gives me gratification now.

2. my life is of an ordinary person.

not a Christian, but just an average person who doesn't have hopes of an eternal life. someone lost in the everyday struggles of making that buck, and studying harder to outdo my classmates.

it's definitely cutthroat here. i'll catch myself getting upset if my study buddy is ahead of me. (which is always.. so that also causes me stress). i don't know if i ever felt that way before.

around december of last year, i noticed myself getting harder and harsher. getting colder and more selfish. caring less about the ppl i love, and more for myself. sometimes, i would even find myself getting annoyed at ppl for telling me their problems.. i ignored those signs.

now here i am. completely frozen over..

Lord, please don't give up on me. Please help me find You. Please give me Your strength.

all i have now is to hold on to the promise that He'd never let me go..

all my life i've depended on churches to walk me, and sometimes even drag me, through my spiritual life.

God has given me everything this year. things have been going so well in my life, yet i'm still compeletely lost because i can't bring myself to Him. i'm so used to accountability. it didn't even have to be express -- even teaching Sunday School and being a part of AWANA always made me put things into perspective. here, i don't have any of that. i don't even have a church that i can really call home.

but in the littlest things God makes His presence known to me...

the other night, i read Daniel, per Carroll's suggestion. i felt something then. it was a little something, but i felt it. a tinge of warmth, a soft comforting touch telling me that i need to be more active in my faith.

God has challenged me so much this year. and this time, He's entrusted me w/ 2 shekels instead of just 1. can i make those 2 shekels into 4?

you know what has to be the most annoying thing? when your mouse doesn't work. i can't believe how frustrating it's been to work on this computer. -__-;;

i haven't really updated in a while.. *shrug*

i've been trying to be more studious, but it's hard. i burn out so easily these days. if i don't get at least 6-7 hrs of sleep, i can't function. i'm old. T-T

it's too early in the morning...