oh, and on a side note, i saw Basic yesterday. i heard that it was just ok, but i really enjoyed it. i thought it was going to be an action movie, but it ended up being a thinking movie. it's one of those movies i'm going to have to watch again, cuz i'm still confused about some parts, but all in all, i really liked it.

i need to go to the library today. and i need to jog. thanks to alex, i did neither yesterday. that jerkface. (hahahahah~) i like blaming things on him.. it's easy~

ok.. i just poo'ed. yay me!

Quote of the week:
"I'm stirring the pasta, dear." (if ya wanna know who said that.. look at girsty's blog HAHA!)

senior retreat was frickin awesome! i know that i'm the first when it comes to complaints about class unity, yada yada, but this retreat made me realize how stinky i've been. i wanted the class to reach out to me, while i was pulling away from them. x( how selfish and bad of me. xP but this retreat was really awesome.. there were many many highlights, but here are just a few:
- hiking to see the vernan (vernal?) falls. wow!! soo gorgeous. hike wasn't fun because i'm out of shape, but it was definitely worth it. the hike down was kinda scary... xP by the time we got down, my legs were like mush. if i lifted my heel a little bit, my leg would violently shake by itself. haha~ i thought it was funny.
- open mic night. *sniffle* i love you guys...
- american idol, fiCb senior class style. HAHA~ it was hilarious seeing eugene being ghetto gangsta to Paperboy's Ditty, and seeing james song get all crazy too.. haha~ and everyone else (haha, like sylvia getting on all fours for some reason) thanks for plannin the games jessica!
- staying up all night and singing. haha~ me and hyewon were takin turns forcing people to play guitar for us. first it was sammy, then me, then danlee, then sol, then billy. haha~ everyone else was tryin to sleep... kevin chiang said, "i wanted to throw eggs at all of you guys last night! i was sooo tired!" haha~
- cup ramen!! i had 1 every day we were there. i love those things~~
- our "love notes" x) that was a good idear!!!!
- our little "hug fest" hahah~ i've never seen so much physical contact in our class! haha~

there were so many things more, but i can't remember.. i just know that it was a wonderful time of fellowship, and i'm so thankful for all of you guys. x)

you know what? i haven't poo'ed since retreat... hahaha! cuz i can't poo in the mountains (cuz the altitude or something), and i just realized that i still haven't poo'ed yet. icky....

i'm going to senior retreat today. i'm really excited.

i think i'm getting old.. i keep thinking about marriage.. and how it's not going to happen for me. but then, i guess it's ok. i'll just live with my cats and be happy. but i want kids too.. x( maybe i'll open a day care...

i'm getting sleepy. i couldn't get out of bed today.. xP again.. i guess that's always the same.

the novelty of using that signature machine has definitely worn off. -__-;; too bad i still have to go and use it.

hangtags are no fun.

blah blah blah blah blah

yes? oh, yesssss! yes.


oh wait... i have to learn how to say no. no! no? oh no!!!! no. nonononononononono! nooOooOooO~~~

i'm not crazy. are you?

I remember why I wanted to blog now..
I had the weirdest dream (yes again..)
I dreamt that I was in prison for something, but then we got to go out on an excursion to the mall. There was a note for me from this guy named "Jin" that I had met in Japan (?Heh?) on the wall telling me to meet up with him (cuz he worked at this mall). So I went to his little work place, and he wasn't there. His friend, a girl, was there and she called him for me. he was happy to hear from me and asked when we could meet. I said, "uh.. well, I won't be in town for very long.. maybe I'll call you later? Is this your number?" yada yada.. I didn't tell him I was in jail. (I don't even know why I was in prison). Anyway, we went back, but then we got in trouble by the prison guard, who's name was Mitch (I don't know why I remember that detail) and he didn't like me. I don't know why. It was just understood he didn't like me. anyway, Jae came to pick me up. Cuz like everyone else got to go home. And we were chillin in the "yard" or whatever (it was this fenced in grassy area) And Mitch, he lets everyone else go but me. he asked me, "are you going home to study?" and I said, "no" and he said, "then you can't go." I know that I coulda lied and got to go home, but I didn't. I just sat there lookin at him cuz he was bein so freakin unfair. I asked him why I couldn't go, and he said, "cuz you broke the rules." (this had something to do with my excursion earlier, I think). anyway, i got so mad, i was just lying on the grass because i didn't have any other ride back... and jae was going to leave. so i looked at mitch and i was like, "doode, i don't have another ride. just let me go. what can i do to make you let me go?" he came back and he was like.. "just go." and i was like, "ferreal?" and he let me go. just like that...
then there was this little puppy that rode in a go-cart and broke out of the fence... and i took him home and gave him a bath cuz he was filthy. but then it turned into a little girl (?) and i was washing her hair and stuff... yes, and the dream goes on, but i can't really explain it..

strange... so strange..

last night i watched 8 Mile with sophomore Jo and The Royal Tenenbaums by myself. i agree with fred about 8 Mile... what a crappy ending! and that song, lose yourself, didn't even freakin play! i mean parts of it played, but i was all lookin forward to when he would perform it. i was pretty mad. i ended up watching the other one because jae told me it sucked, and i was curious... i was pleasantly surprised. sure it was kinda screwy, but it had an endearing message in the end, and i really enjoyed it. maybe cuz i come from a slightly dysfunctional family(ok, maybe a little more than slightly -__-;;), i understood where most of the characters were coming from. (except for that screwy incest thing that happens between gwen and luke.) xP speww~

so now i'm at work.. starting to drag... xP but at least it's interesting here. and of course i didn't even get started on the paper that i was going to finish by spring break.. puha~ funny.. that was funny... -__-;; me lazy.. x(

i'll be here for another day. i guess it'll be ok. it's to make up for the hours that i missed this week. xP yeah.. i can't wake up in the mornings. it's so sad because i was pretty much awake at 7:30 this morning.. if only i didn't crawl back into bed. *sigh* it's a bad habit and i need to break it... *sigh*

i still haven't decided what i want to do this summer. if i get into law school, i wanted to reward myself by going to japan and korea, but then.. how fun will that really be if i'm by myself and have no money? so i was thinkin maybe i could work this summer (my job said they'd keep me) but where will i stay? *sigh* and besides, they don't pay that much. i mean.. enough for me to stay anyway... what shall i do this summer? it's too late for an internship... hah~ maybe i shoulda thought of this earlier......

i'm hungry.

i read the most disturbing article yesterday. basically it was about these ivy league girls that came from respectable and comfortable middle class families...that sold themselves to get extra cash for shopping. they want to have all the most expensive things, so they prostitute themselves to get these material things. how grossly screwed up is that? xP and they're really smart girls too--harvard, columbia...etc. they all said something along the lines of: "it's easy money. sure, i could waitress or whatever, but i could make 10x's as much on my back. and i get to buy the dolce and gabbana bags, and the prada shoes... i can buy whatever i want." umm.. yea..... and the grosser thing is that some of them have boyfriends! some of the boyfriends were previous clients, and others have no clue that their girlfriend is a prostitute... GROSS!!

what has this world come to? that people would prostitute themselves not out of necessity, but because they "don't feel bad about having sex anymore."

so sad.....

it's not as lonely here anymore...

i went out to dinner with tkd (yummmm, tony roma's) and saw his new place for the first time. omg, it's so frickin nice!! i'm jealous. xP what do guys need all that closet space for???? x( if i had all that closet space, omg, i'd be in heaven. and 2 bathrooms?!? -__-;; no fair...

when i came home, i was still pretty wide awake, so i watched Notting Hill on my computer. it was very strange. it wasn't that sweet, but.. i donno. hugh grant was so cute in it.. he was... so endearing.. and so.... whipped. hahaha~ i loved it. definitely, i'm going to make a guy freakin fight for me, cuz otherwise, you end up with stinkin losers... i hate playing hard to get, but i guess that's the only way to really filter. sad, huh? stupid boys.

i should work.. haha, i have so much stuff piled up, it's not even funny... yipeee~ -__-;; bye bye

it's so quiet here. berkeley is so empty. sproul is so peaceful...where are all the protestors now? the war is still going on, but i guess the protestors have gone on a break. how serious were they? xP

home was.. i don't know. i know that for most people, they go home to get pampered and they see it as a time of rest. for me, home is a little bit more stressful. i guess my mom just expects more from me, but.. i'm tired too. when i come home, i want to rest; when i come home, my mom wants me to help her out. it ends up in conflict...so i got into another fight with her. i don't know. i know in a lot of ways i should be a better daughter, but my selfish sinful side always seems to be stronger than that one. xP bad, i know. something i'm still struggling with...

but home wasn't all bad. i went out and had fun. watched Dreamcatcher and View from the Top. they were both.. ok. not so great though. i went out with jae and her high school friends... sorta made a fool of myself though. xP sorry jae~ -__-;; i tend to do that. nomorealcoholforme...

it's kinda lonely up here. there are a few people left here, but they're all busy doin their own thang. i was going to get started on my paper for polisci, but we'll see how far we get on that.. haha~ especially since the library closes at five, and i work til five everyday. maybe i'll go during my lunch breaks? haha, we'll see...

dang.. i'm too dependent on people....

Lord, help me to turn to You...

i used the coolest machine ever!! i had to go and use the "pen machine" which is basically this big ol' round semi-circle with ridges on it. you put a pen in, then you push this button and hold a piece of ppr under it, and it signs the signature of the peron's "curves" you have. it was soo cool! i was just sitting there staring. i want to become the chancellor or vice chancellor so i could have a cool ridged curvy semi-circle that can sign my name... kekeke

Yesterday was fun. We had small group, which was great.. x) yummMmM~~ thanks for the pastel Chris... *drooL* and Linda's cake... yummMMmMmM~~ Afterwards, I went over to Kwan Soo's for the first time. haha~ it was quite...interesting. He has all these puzzles, and artsy craftsy stuff... it was kinda cute. haha~ He and Kevin Chiang had a date, so I just sat there and worked on one of his puzzles. It was actually kinda fun. Then Jae wanted to do something so we rented Fallen. I didn't like it too much. I'm going to ruin the end for you so stop reading and go to next paragraph if you don't wanna know. I need movies to end with the bad guy dying. I can't handle it when it starts all over again and freakin Denzel died for no reason! -__-;; I didn't like it too much.

And they were being so mean toO! I was watching with Jae, Hyewon, sophomore Jo, and Kwan. And when I watch scary movies, I need a person on either side of me... but they wouldn't. My left side was person-less so anything coulda come and eaten me during the movie. T-T I was sad... and scared. And they kept makin fun of me cuz I kept jumping and wimpering.. but when Hyewon screamed, no one said anything. *sigh* blah on yoUUuU~~

After that, ALex was being a brat again and wouldn't pick up the brownies again. x( So I walked them over to his stinkin apartment, where we had interesting conversation..muahahaha~ and he has a mt today. I totally messed with his studyin. But he deserves it, that jerk. xD haha~

On a side note, he is NOT the person to talk to if you're feeling down or scared. I wasn't scared at all (which is a miracle in and of itself), and I was telling him about my scary dreams... A lot of them kinda blur reality with my dream, so it used to freak me out, but I had convinced myself that they were just dreams, blah blah, so I can talk about them without feeling scared. But somehow, Alex twisted it and made me freakin scared again. It took so much for me to just brush my teeth to go to bed. I could barely look in the mirror for fear that I would see something other than myself. -__-;; I have a tendency to freak myself out, and Alex didn't help.

Yea, and he's not a nice person to talk to when you're feeling down either... -__-;;

But he's a great guY! C'mon girls~~ snatch him up before it's too late!

oOoOo OoOO ooO~~~
I forgot that I had really cool softball news. So yesterday, I was playing second base, and I got THREE people out!! The last play was AWESOME cuz it was me and Jamie. She stopped the ball and threw it to me to get the forced out. (woo, learned new softball lingo too!) Yee hee!!! All I need to learn now is how to throw it when I catch it (it coulda been 4 outs, but I didn't throw it right.. boo hoo~) and hit the ball. I'm almost a softball sun soo~~ woo hoO~ Just give me a few more games.. haha~

yes~~ softball is so fuN!!!

Sammy, I hope you're feeling better. (He fell really hard on his hips on the steps while catching Paul's pop fly...) You're the best back up ever!!

I stole this from Jae's site, but I really like it:

11 things women want from men:

1. Know only me!
2. Only look at me when you're talking to me
3. Even if i'm late for 20 min never be mad
4. Always take me home at night
5. Kiss my picture right before you go to sleep every night
6. Promise to call me at least 3 times every time
7. Tell me about your day
8. If I hurt, hurt with me
9. No matter who approaches you, only call my name
10. Always be on my side
11. Believe in me

- 11 things women want from men - park ji yun 5th album

It's definitely the little things that count...

My additions:
12. Think of me all the time
13. Call me when you think of me
14. Hold my hand when we're together
15. Answer my calls...no matter what time
16. Don't hang up on me, even if you're mad
17. If you're mad at me, tell me why...........nicely
18. Talk to me.. really talk to me
19. Know only me!
20. KNOW ONLY ME!!!!!!!!!!!

It's really not that hard to make us happy guys.. it's really not.

A lot of my blogs seem to not be posting. Stinkin...

I had a really nice lunch with Sun and Kay. Yip~ x) It was really nice cuz I finally found someone that understands me!! (Yay Kay!!) And I haven't talked to either of them in a long time, so it was nice to get some catch-up time.

Last night, I called Alex cuz I baked brownies for him cuz he was being a baby and complaining that he had to study. (That and I've been asking for lots of rides from him and then just being bratty in return) I told him to call me when he was home (cuz he was studying at Denny's) cuz I had something for him. He calls me at 5 AM. -__-;; and then when I told him to pick up the brownies, he asks if he can get them later. *sigh* Why do I bother?

I've had a really bad week. And it's only Wednesday! Friday, please hurry so I can go home. x( Although I don't know why I'm excited about that. I don't have pleasant things waiting for me at home either...But I am a little anxious.........

i wanna go Home...

I hate blogger... I hate blogger. This is the freakin second time!!!!! Why can't I post..?


AHHHHHH!!!

I was at Jae's last night, "studying" and I thought that it might be a good idea to sleep. So at 6 AM I went to sleep and set the alarm for 7. The alarm went off, but I had not gone to sleep yet. (I should have just studied) So I closed my eyes even tighter and tried to go to sleep. Heard Jaekyung's alarm going off at 7:20. Still not sleeping.. eyes still shut.. still shut.. still shut, then finally, *success!* Woke up at 9:45, ran home and washed up to come to work. So I'm going on about 2 hours of sleep. I just need to make it to 5. Then it will be over... well, my midterm will be over by 3:30, but I have class til 5. That sucks. x( But at least I will be done. yipee~

Food consumed yesterday:
7:30 PM - Plain bagel with some Spicy Nacho Cheese Doritos, oh and some coffee
8:30 PM - Sufficient Grounds' single expresso, *thanks jeanne*
12:30 AM - Soba noodles prepared by Jae~ x)
12:45 AM - Random munching on some dahk do ri tang... courtesy of Jae again...
1:30 AMish - I had a craving for Jack in the Box but Alex wouldn't take me because he said he was feeling too lazy. (So I didn't eat.)

I feel like a guy... -___-;;

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Thanks Jae for fixing my stupid blogger template. x)

I love you!!!!!

I paint a picture, I think it's easier to live that way. But my heart is really broken. I'm not the man you think I am when you see me each day torn apart and then left open. Father come and fill me up I can't wait for you to overflow my cup. My heart makes me wonder how much longer til you're coming back to take me away. My heart longs for you to fly right through the sky and take me to the place where I will never feel my heart break down again. I search the sky and then I try imagining you there looking on anticipating. You're standing by and know when I will join you in the end. Until then I'll be here waiting. Father come and fill me up I can't wait for you to overflow my cup. My heart makes me wonder how much longer til you're coming back to take me away. My heart longs for you to fly right through the sky and take me to the place where I will never feel my heart break down again.

I had a really long day today.... I didn't do anything. I have a midterm tomorrow that I am not ready for. I stayed in bed all day. I mean all day. I woke to my alarm at 8 AM. I was supposed to go to work, but I called in and said that I had a midterm and needed to study so that I wouldn't be coming in. Then went back to sleep. Woke up at 9, 10, 11... then got out of bed to get my notes at 1PM. I had class at 4. I was going to study til 4.. I kept falling asleep in between notes, but I didn't care. I just kept sleeping... I set my alarm for 3:30 so I could go to class. It rang...didn't budge. Stayed in bed, I didn't even get up to eat or go to the bathroom. Finally at 7, I had to get up because I was supposed to meet with Jeanne to study for the midterm. In that time, 1PM-7PM, I got through my notes once. I ate a bagel and some chips, then went to meet up with Jeanne. Studied from 8-11:30 straight. Got through our notes together. Xeroxed what needed to be xeroxed.. then made my way back to Jae's to eat soba noodles (yum~ huh, kwansoo?)... Now kinda looking up possible ID's online.

I'm feeling a little down. I know why, but there's not really anything I can do about it except stop thinking about it. But, of course, I can't do that cuz I'm a drama mama. I need closure. Can't have it til I can talk to that person...

But I guess I shouldn't really be worried about things like that...I keep drowning myself in myself. I need to stop.

But little things make me happy:
Thanks Dan for the phone call. I really needed that... it was nice to talk to you. x)
Thanks Jae for feeding me. x) yum....
Thanks Alex and Kwan for putting up with my stupidity and for making me smile. Sorry that I'm so incredibly stupid.
Thanks Jeanne for studying with me. x) And listening to my nonsense too. We should celebrate together after it's all over. Good luck on your midterms girl! You can do it!

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. (Col 2:6-7)

ACK!

I JUST POSTED A REALLY LONG POST.. IT'S GONE!!!

CURSE YOU BLOGGER!! CURSE YOUUUUUU!! (in invader zim's voice)

I'll just leave you with:

Only let us live up to what we have already attained.
(Phil 3:16)

Talk about good timing. x) I got free food, thanks to Sinae. *thanks sinae* xD

You know when you eat too fast, and you don't chew the food properly so then it just get stuck in your throat, and it really hurts cuz you have to swallow hard and drink water to push it down, and you can't stop eatin cuz that's the only way to make it go down.. and it just hurts? yea... that hurts..

Last night, Sinae, Sarah, Daniel Hahn, and Albert came over to watch Tombstone. (Alex joined us later..) We ended up watching Moulin Rouge first though because Carroll (who happened to be there too) never saw it!!! Sadly, he didn't get to finish it.. xP He will have to come again.. haha~

I'm tired. I'm hungry too. Not a good combo.

My daddy called me last night. x) He got his very belated present. He sounded lonely, though. T-T I hope he's doing ok...

I can't wait for POTCH, but I'm a little nervous. Roy and Jae came over and we practiced last night. I can't get my parts.. I keep following Jae's, haha~ I hope it works out ok.. xP

I've been feeling kinda icky lately. xP Lots of reasons, but no solutions...but I guess I can always hold onto the fact that Jesus is still working in me... the Bible says so.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
~ Phil 1:6

Proof of how much girsty drinks: on a day when I'm at work alone, I will fill up my water bottle half-way, and this will last me a good four hours. Yesterday when girsty was working with me (for the last 3 hours) we filled up the bottle like 4 or 5 times... to the brim. That girl is a camel! But the thing is I don't know where all that stored water goes, cuz she keeps drinking... haha~ x)

I always enjoy my walks home from small group with Linda. I get to talk to her, which is something I rarely get to do. x) Thanks for the talk Linda.. or more.. the listen... xD

I really like the junior boys. (But then, everyone already knows that, huH?) I had an unplanned nice long talk with Kwan Soo. Thanks for yelling at me, Kwan. haha~

Today already started off on the wrong foot. x( I missed section. I feel so fatigued. Darned period. x( You ruins it! Ruins!!! I was reading the Bible yesterday, (WOW! and it wasn't in small group DOUBLE WOW!) and I came across some verses that made me think:

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
~ Eph. 4:25

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
~ Eph. 4:29

Reading the Bible is good. I need to do more of it...

if you want to see a cute picture of alex, click on jae eun's blog. (or if you're too lazy, click here)

I'm not going to law school this year. T-T

I had an entertaining conversation with Alex last night, but he said that if I posted any of it, he would be "disappointed in me." So I won't post any of it on my blog. But that doesn't mean that I won't talk about it. xD

I hate being a girl.

I'm sad.. I was late to work (yea, yea.. again) but this time it was because of my cramps. Stinkin'.. I had a lunch date too. T-T Now I can't go cuz I have to stay here and work. *sigh* But it's all good. I came in late, and told my bosses why and they gave me drugs.. x) hehe~ so I'm nicely drugged up. It hasn't really kicked in yet. Just a little longer...... xD

Man, I keep wasting too much time. I have a midterm tomorrow.. I'm screwed.

What's wrong with my template??? x( I'm sad.

I have the worst luck when it comes to guys. That and I just never learn... xP

I need to stop napping. They end up way too long.

I need to start jogging again. T-T I feel so gross.

Time to work... x) Bye bye~

*ugggggghhhh*

Chili cheese fries from IB's can feed two people... I don't think I count as two people. But I pretty much ate that all. I feel sick now.

These days not having the internet has some advantages, I suppose. I've actually been too busy to notice. With POTCH practice and midterms, and other things (like going to Denny's to "study" and bothering the juniors so that they can not study with us.. haha), I haven't really thought about what I'm missing by not going online. haha, probably not missing too much.. It's better this way.. maybe if I say that enough, I can believe it.

I've been really struggling with some of the same issues for a long time now. And as I near the end of my college career, I wonder if this is how I want to leave things.. I had a really long talk with one of my friends last night.. and her point of view was one that I had never ever thought of. It kind of puts a new twist on things... I know that right now I need major guidance from God... in more areas than one.. xP I just need to trust in His unfailing love that has guided me all the way here to this place... yea...

Lots of babble... lots of thoughts.. not enough action.

Lord spur me to do..

wow.

God...sometimes I get scared at how quickly You hear my prayers...

Yesterday's sermon was directly speaking to me. Then we had CM meeting and that was directly speaking to me. I felt like God was shaking His finger at me and scolding me.. but I know that it was all in love, so I appreciate it all the more. And then, one of the CM teachers, out of nowhere, just asked me, "How are you doing?" And that just totally made my day too. It was nice to talk to her because I don't really know her that well. But, she took the initiative and asked. Honestly, I don't think anyone's asked me that in a while. I mean.. asked me and meant it. I know because when she asked, I was at a loss for words. I coudn't find words to describe the past few days..weeks..months, even. *thanks teacher jane*

The next 2 weeks are going to suck... stinkin midterms...

I wanna go home. And I don't mean anywhere here on earth either.. I wanna go HOME.

but until then...
Lord, thank you...

if anyone has time today at 2 or 4, go to sf... pier 39.. look for ppl with clipboards that say: your opinion could be worth $100. (they'll be around the bath salts/ice cream..) pretend like you're from out of town (like out of state), and pretend like i didn't tell you this, and say that you like chicken sandwiches... trust me.. it's legit.. x) but you gotta get there earlier to sign up.. (cuz they only take like 4 ppl) and.. i think i should get commission... at least 25%. hey man~ it's $100!!

hope u guys read this today~ ahaha~

Albert (freshman) is so cool!! he gave me Tombstone for my bday. i love that movie!! x)

THANKS ALBERT!!!

it feels so strange... after having 3 southern girls in your living room, when they leave, you're left with this big empty hole in your heart. T-T i miss them already.....

Lord, give them a safe journey back home.

p.p.s. it SUCKS not having internet access. oh my dsl! how i miss you sooooOO~OO~~

POST SCRIPT: i'm just free-writing... so i may sound a little depressed, sad, etc.. but i'm not. really. x)

i had 2 nightmares last night...

first, i don't know why, but my parents wanted to send me to the army. so they had this army guy searching for me. so basically the entire dream i was running. but it was crazy cuz i was crazy athletic.. xP i was like climbing off roofs and windows.. and, yea.. it was crazy. it was one of those dreams where i kept waking up, but then when i fell back asleep, it picked up where i had left off. xP anyway, at first my friend (i don't remember who it was...) was helping me escape and stuff. then they put a reward on my head.... then things changed and my friend betrayed me... i was so mad/hurt/disappointed. i was crying and cursing. and my friend tried to come up to me, but doode.. i exploded on him/her. (i don't even know the gender of this person) i told him to take the money since that's all they wanted anyway, and i was shaking and screaming... i never felt so bad.... i woke up and i was kinda disturbed, but i figured it was over. i mean.. i wonder why they wanted me, and why my parents wanted to force me to go to the army... it was really weird.. then i had this other dream, and it was kinda connected to this one, but it was totally different. basically, i didn't want to do something, but was being forced to. this time, by the church. it was.... so strange. i was just crying and crying... the pastor that i met while in japan was there, and he seemed to be the only one that even tried to understand where i was coming from. he came to prepare me for missions, and i didn't want to go. i was being forced, and i didn't feel ready and i didn't want to go. a lot of it must have been for selfish reasons, but i just didn't want to go.... the pastor's wife just hated me--she even refused to come in and pray with us. while we were praying, i was sobbing.... and pastor takiura asked me why i was crying, and i couldn't answer him. i knew that i should want to serve in this way, but i really didn't. i think this dream freaked me out more than the other one. so we went thru the training and praying, and i cried through the whole thing. he left, and that was the end of the dream. when i woke up, i guess i was tearing for reals cuz i had mad noon kkop.. xP

usually, i'll try to analyze my dreams, but i have no clue what this means. i really don't like doing things when other people tell me that i should do this or shouldn't do that... when people say things like that, it makes me do the exact opposite. it's kinda strange though cuz sometimes i do things to please other people, too.. i think it depends on the tone of voice that it's said in. or.. the tone of the mood or... whatever. yea, i know.. stupid...

i don't know, but these days i've been having some bad dreams... a lot of it could be due to the fact that i seem to make time for all of my new hobbies--knitting, etc.--but i can never seem to find the time to read the Bible.. i try to make up for it by praying as i knit, but.. yea.. we know that that doesn't make my heart any better.. xP it makes it worse cuz i want to try and make myself feel better by doing, which we know doesn't get us any closer to God anyway. i really don't know what's wrong with me... i feel really desensitized in a lot of ways, and i can't seem to get back into the swing of things. school has literally become non-existant to me. i sorta have an excuse for now because my friends from atlanta are still here, but will i get back on track after they leave? i doubt it...and there seems to be a lot on my mind too, but i can't decipher what any of it is. it's all jumbled up and i don't know. ijustdon'tknow. it's kinda driving me insane too cuz i, like many others i'm sure, hate feeling like i don't have a handle on things...

i know that much of this doesn't make any sense to any of you.. and i even doubt that it'll make sense to me when i read it later.. but i'm just kinda typing as i think without editing... so if i said or say anything heretical.. please forgive.

i know that there's more to this life. more to me. there's got to be. i've got to hope that there is cuz otherwise, i'm so screwed. there's got to be a reason for everything. even my mistakes.. especially my mistakes cuz otherwise, i'm screwed. it says that You forgive me of my sins, and i cling to that so desperately, yet.. it's becoming my excuse now. i don't want to live this way. i don't want to leave this way. Lord please help me to live the way that you meant for me to live. help me to stop making excuses. i hate it when people give me excuses... help me to stop. maybe You were trying to tell me something last night. maybe You were using my dreams to tell me to stop whining, stop crying and do it. do what You tell me to do and stop running away. or.. it could be that you want me to do something that i really don't want to.. (if it is that Lord, please be more clear... i know that i have no right to ask you, but please...) or it could be that i'm making signs for myself. help me to seek REAL answers from you, Lord. through PRAYER and the BIBLE. not trying to take the easy way out. i'm so lazy. i'm so incredibly lazy. help me God. there are so many areas where i feel so lost.. and helpless.. and sooo desperate. but it's all internal.. deep inside where i've hidden it below all these unecessary "problems." where they can't be seen or even distinguished as problems anymore. i don't know what the problem is because.. i've forgotten what the root of it all is. i've hidden it.. Lord, please help me find it. so i can weed it out.

so desperately in need of You...

omg!

i don't have internet access at home!!!!!! and my comments don't work.. so i can't read them!!

last night was... interesting.. i got molested by the waiters at steps of rome while jae and the rest of my so called friends laughed at my expense. and one of the waiters kept touching my NECK! T-T and another one moved his man boobs for me. (have i ever told you how gross i think that is?? xP) but all in all, it was great.. x) friends... food... hehe, it was great~ i'll never forget it.. thanks guys....

my friends from atlanta are here. they are so cool! if you wanna ditch class like me and play with us, give me a call~ x)

woo~