yesterday was very drama-filled.. xP

pounding headache that lasted the entire day.. then my first day at street jazz class (omy~ i'm such a clutz), then the softball game, then more drama ending in tears.

i don't understand why change is so hard. it's so hard to change. and it's so hard to see what exactly it is that God's trying to teach you with the challenges and drama that He brings in our lives. sometimes i wonder if i'm going about it all wrong and that's why i'm having such issues. actually, i'm always wondering. am i messing up God's perfect plan? -__-;; is the way that i'm handling things impeding on what God wants me to learn and where God wants me to be? it's so hard to figure out what exactly is missing in your life. what it is that drives you. i want to be driven by a passion for God, but i find that that's getting harder and harder as i realize more and more that i'm so stubborn. i refuse to give my all to God, and that causes me drama.

i think we talked about this in small group.... i can feel that a storm is brewing near.. like, you know that anxious feeling you get when you know something's gonna happen. but then, i almost find comfort in knowing that i still feel that. i'm bracing myself because i have this feeling that God's gonna strike soon, but all because He still cares enough about me to bring me trials to ultimately draw me closer to Him... it's really strange the way that God works...

i'm always trying to give it up to God, but yet, i still hold on to things and the people of the world too. i don't know how to be strong in Him only. that's what causes me grief. it's the things that i hold onto that are having major issues because i'm trying to handle it, which is definitely not a good idea. i'm always trying so hard. i don't know if i can express what i mean by that... but i don't know... i guess the best way to say it is that i'm never content, so i'm always striving to make things better somehow.. you'd think that after 21 years of always falling when i tried to do it on my own i'd learn and just give it all to Him cuz it'd just be so much easier... but nooOOoo~ i gotta make things difficult for myself.

i want to be edifying.. and encouraging. i want to change! i need a change! i don’t want to worry about what i can handle, but just take things as they come. do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough troubles of its own. i want to stop trying. i want to start depending..

let's be strong for each other!

here i am, here i am~ nothing much to give... here i am, here i am~ asking for the privilege to be used by You. i want to be used by You. use me O Lord. make my life a living sacrifice. use me O Lord, to be a light in the darkest night~ Lord, for Your glory. Lord, for Your glory~