Sunday, April 14, 2002

I know very little about my own deceitful heart, even when I think I am most sincere. Therefore, O God, who is present in my heart, and who knows my thoughts long beforehand, undertake this work within me. Prepare it thoroughly, for You alone are able to do so.

~ John Owen


that was today's reflection.. it's exactly how i've been feeling lately. i don't even know my own heart, and yet i've been expecting other people to understand where i'm coming from and to be able to connect with me somehow. but if i can even deceive myself, how much am i being fake to others? i can't stand fake people... probably because that's one of my bad traits... it makes me loathe it in others. i don't know.. i find myself wondering about what i'm thinking and whether it really is what i'm thinking for reals, or if it's just my sinful way of hiding what i'm really feeling by covering it with feelings that i should be feeling. you get that feeling? i don't know...

today's Bible study was on Romans 12 and being a living sacrifice for God.. it made me very sad because i'm so selfish to my needs and my needs only. i don't consider whether all my actions are really pleasing to God, and that just proves how little i care... which is retarded, cuz i've been given this amazing gift, which wasn't even meant to be for me. v. 9 stuck out at me.. it says: "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." i think i have problems with loving sincerely. i think i confuse being nice with loving. like, even if i don't want to do something, i'll go out of my way to do things, cuz i feel like that's expressing my love somehow even though in my heart i'm grumbling and not wanting to do it...-__-;; yes, i have problems...

Pastor Ryan was saying that we, as Gentiles, had no right to the promises that God made to Israel.. yet, here we are. Jesus came, he tore down the wall that kept us apart from receiving his blessings and he freely gave. i'm so stinking lucky. so stinkin loved.. and sooo stinkin ungrateful. i were given this crazy gift, just out of Christ's love for me, and still... i find reason to complain, to be unhappy... dangit... i need Jesus. Lord, help me to come back to where you are. in this quiet place again, i can hear you on the wind, whispering to me. in this quiet place again i have found a friend, who understands me. where you are, is where i want to be... in your arms, you will comfort me. far away, from everything i used to be. you know i have come so far, to be where you are. in this quiet place again you're speaking to my heart, and I can know your will. in this quiet place again you tell me from the start, "follow," and i will. where you are, is where i want to be. in your arms, you will comfort me. far away from everything i used to be. you know i have come this far, to be where you are...

i know that you are with me always so i won't be afraid anymore of the terrors by night, or the arrow that flies by day. and though a thousand may fall at my side and though ten thousand may fall in Him I'll put all my trust. he who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow. i will hide in your wings always your angels stand by to keep me in all my ways and though a thousand may fall at my side i will say in him i trust. he who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow. and though a thousand may fall at my side and though ten thousand may fall i will say of the Lord that in Him I put all my trust. he who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the shadow.

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