i missed awana prayer meeting again today. x( some spiritual oak i'm becoming, huh? -__-;; i barely made it for missions training, and they asked a very simple but important question. why missions? why are you going? *sigh* and i was thinking.. gee, i really don't know! isn't that the dumbest thing? i honestly was trying to figure it out. why now? why missions? and i can't give an answer because i have no clue. it should be the first question that i thought about and answered, but i didn't.. stupid of me, huh? i haven't even done any research... i guess in a lot of ways i just expect everything to fall into place if i'm supposed to go. haha, stupid mentality huh? i guess i just don't really understand this whole missions thing is supposed to go. i guess i just wish i knew whether i was meant to go, or just meant to support.. i know i haven't really thought of missions before recently, and it's hard, i guess. to try and figure out everything..and to top it off, i guess i'm still dealing with other issues. everytime i think that i've finally got a handle on things, it falls apart again. it's hard to try and keep everything the way that it should be. it's hard to be strong when you feel so weak. it's hard to try and be a good person when you're not. it's hard to try and pretend that things are ok when they're not. it's hard to be real when you feel so fake. no one ever said that it was going to be easy, i suppose. maybe i'm making things a lot worse than they are, and causing it to be blown out of proportion. but this is leaking out into the other parts of my life, and making me apathetic to a lot of things which is bad. so i need to hurry up and get a handle on things. or to learn to give it up to Him.

dear Lord, are you there listening to my little prayer? i don't know exactly what to say. i've been told that you love me and when i call you'll help me when i fall. i should let you have it all. what i guess i'm trying to say is i need you in my life. cuz i know i'm tired of living in the past. i would like to take a chance on a change deep inside. i believe that this is one that's gonna last. so here's my heart it's been broken it's been wounded, but i'll give it all to you if you would love me here's my life if you want it you can have it. i will give it all to you because you love me. your love is everything i need. because you alone are good. you are the only one i need i bow all of me at your feet i worship you alone. you have given me more than i could ever have wanted and i want to give you my heart and my soul. you alone are Father and you alone are GOOD. you alone are Savior and YOU ALONE are GOD. so help me be filled with awesome wonder at how great you are! o Lord my God when i in awesome wonder, consider all the worlds thy hand have made. i see the stars i hear the rolling thunder thy power throughout the universe displayed. then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! and when i think that God his son not sparing, sent him to die i scarce can take it in. that on the cross, my burdens gladly bearing He bled and died to take away my sin. then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation and take me home what joy shall fill my heart? then i shall bow in humble adoration and there proclaim, my God how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art! then sings my soul my Savior God to thee how great thou art, how great thou art!

so i want to follow you because i believe in everything you are!