POST SCRIPT: i'm just free-writing... so i may sound a little depressed, sad, etc.. but i'm not. really. x)

i had 2 nightmares last night...

first, i don't know why, but my parents wanted to send me to the army. so they had this army guy searching for me. so basically the entire dream i was running. but it was crazy cuz i was crazy athletic.. xP i was like climbing off roofs and windows.. and, yea.. it was crazy. it was one of those dreams where i kept waking up, but then when i fell back asleep, it picked up where i had left off. xP anyway, at first my friend (i don't remember who it was...) was helping me escape and stuff. then they put a reward on my head.... then things changed and my friend betrayed me... i was so mad/hurt/disappointed. i was crying and cursing. and my friend tried to come up to me, but doode.. i exploded on him/her. (i don't even know the gender of this person) i told him to take the money since that's all they wanted anyway, and i was shaking and screaming... i never felt so bad.... i woke up and i was kinda disturbed, but i figured it was over. i mean.. i wonder why they wanted me, and why my parents wanted to force me to go to the army... it was really weird.. then i had this other dream, and it was kinda connected to this one, but it was totally different. basically, i didn't want to do something, but was being forced to. this time, by the church. it was.... so strange. i was just crying and crying... the pastor that i met while in japan was there, and he seemed to be the only one that even tried to understand where i was coming from. he came to prepare me for missions, and i didn't want to go. i was being forced, and i didn't feel ready and i didn't want to go. a lot of it must have been for selfish reasons, but i just didn't want to go.... the pastor's wife just hated me--she even refused to come in and pray with us. while we were praying, i was sobbing.... and pastor takiura asked me why i was crying, and i couldn't answer him. i knew that i should want to serve in this way, but i really didn't. i think this dream freaked me out more than the other one. so we went thru the training and praying, and i cried through the whole thing. he left, and that was the end of the dream. when i woke up, i guess i was tearing for reals cuz i had mad noon kkop.. xP

usually, i'll try to analyze my dreams, but i have no clue what this means. i really don't like doing things when other people tell me that i should do this or shouldn't do that... when people say things like that, it makes me do the exact opposite. it's kinda strange though cuz sometimes i do things to please other people, too.. i think it depends on the tone of voice that it's said in. or.. the tone of the mood or... whatever. yea, i know.. stupid...

i don't know, but these days i've been having some bad dreams... a lot of it could be due to the fact that i seem to make time for all of my new hobbies--knitting, etc.--but i can never seem to find the time to read the Bible.. i try to make up for it by praying as i knit, but.. yea.. we know that that doesn't make my heart any better.. xP it makes it worse cuz i want to try and make myself feel better by doing, which we know doesn't get us any closer to God anyway. i really don't know what's wrong with me... i feel really desensitized in a lot of ways, and i can't seem to get back into the swing of things. school has literally become non-existant to me. i sorta have an excuse for now because my friends from atlanta are still here, but will i get back on track after they leave? i doubt it...and there seems to be a lot on my mind too, but i can't decipher what any of it is. it's all jumbled up and i don't know. ijustdon'tknow. it's kinda driving me insane too cuz i, like many others i'm sure, hate feeling like i don't have a handle on things...

i know that much of this doesn't make any sense to any of you.. and i even doubt that it'll make sense to me when i read it later.. but i'm just kinda typing as i think without editing... so if i said or say anything heretical.. please forgive.

i know that there's more to this life. more to me. there's got to be. i've got to hope that there is cuz otherwise, i'm so screwed. there's got to be a reason for everything. even my mistakes.. especially my mistakes cuz otherwise, i'm screwed. it says that You forgive me of my sins, and i cling to that so desperately, yet.. it's becoming my excuse now. i don't want to live this way. i don't want to leave this way. Lord please help me to live the way that you meant for me to live. help me to stop making excuses. i hate it when people give me excuses... help me to stop. maybe You were trying to tell me something last night. maybe You were using my dreams to tell me to stop whining, stop crying and do it. do what You tell me to do and stop running away. or.. it could be that you want me to do something that i really don't want to.. (if it is that Lord, please be more clear... i know that i have no right to ask you, but please...) or it could be that i'm making signs for myself. help me to seek REAL answers from you, Lord. through PRAYER and the BIBLE. not trying to take the easy way out. i'm so lazy. i'm so incredibly lazy. help me God. there are so many areas where i feel so lost.. and helpless.. and sooo desperate. but it's all internal.. deep inside where i've hidden it below all these unecessary "problems." where they can't be seen or even distinguished as problems anymore. i don't know what the problem is because.. i've forgotten what the root of it all is. i've hidden it.. Lord, please help me find it. so i can weed it out.

so desperately in need of You...