i always have such great blog topics in my head, but by the time i get in front of the computer i've forgotten what i wanted to say... so i end up with messes like this... heh
so i'm semi-officially done with app's (finally...) i just have to mail something tomorrow, then i'm free. well...until the decisions come and i get all sad and depressed cuz i didn't get in anywhere...
i don't think i realized how un-political i am until i started doing these app's. so what the heck is my stance on the political issues of this world? i wanna change the world, right? isn't that why i'm applying to law schooL? i want to be able to stand up for the injustices and to make those wrongs right. the sad thing is i have no clue what i'm getting myself into. during the whole application process, i kept asking myself: "is law school really for me? do i know what i'm doing? maybe God's trying to gently show me that this isn't what He wants from me. is this why i just don't seem to have what it takes to get in anywhere?" i mean...i'm still asking these questions. i desperately want to go to law school, but i'm not sure if it's just a pride issue or the real thing anymore. i'm so used to being a fence-sitter that it kinda permeates into all aspects of my life.
yes, even spiritually. lately, i've been just that--not quite hot, but not really cold either. just lukewarm. and it specifically tells us in the Bible to not be lukewarm. unfortunately, this is the story of my life. i hate conflict, and will avoid it with all of my being. but, like Pastor Eugene reminds us all the time, Christianity is a very offensive and it's God's way or death. there's no other choice. so what is my problem? i keep running into these situations where i am just a big blob of uselessness. you know what i mean? like there can't possibly be any reason for me to be in that situation because nothing good can come of it. yet they keep coming. i mean, when bad news comes, it COMES. i've been struggling with the same few things for a long time now. shouldn't i be over it by now? or shouldn't i have gotten some kind of answer? and then when i think that i think, "gosh haejin, you have no faith! God has been so good to you! can't u just be grateful for the blessings that you do have and forget about the things you don't have? can't you just praise God?" like today, we were singing that song,
once again and there's that line at the end where it says:
thank you for the cross, thank you for the cross,
thank you for the cross my friend
can you imagine?! we're regarded as
friends of Jesus. i don't think i ever stopped to really marvel at this concept. i mean... He's God! and He's our friend.. and our Savior, and He's our everything! yet He allows us to come to Him as His friend. how can i doubt that kind of love??? i mean, how many friends would willingly die for you? to save you even though they know you're not worth it. how many friends are willing to suffer all that Jesus suffered for an ingrate like me? i gave Him nothing. i struggle with simple things like
praying, when i can talk on the phone for hours on end about nothing important into the wee hours of the morning for friends that will most definitely fail me at some point in our relationship. i struggle to
read the Bible, when i can spend hours on end checking up ppl's blogs including ppl that i don't talk to or even know in some cases. where are my priorities????? i don't deserve anything, yet i'm always asking for more. even in my more "holy" prayers, i'm so selfish... i don't know what i'm doing...
Lord, please guide me...
so with all this political upheaval going on around me, it's a perfect opportunity for me to go out there and see what i can learn and kinda get a sense of where i stand on these issues. but what does it take for me to really think about it? something way to close for comfort...my very close friend (actually, my ex-bf..my first) called me a couple of hours ago to inform me that he has been activated and is on his way to washington tuesday before he gets shipped to iraq... my first reaction was shock.. then frustration.. then fear.. then tears.. then more fear.. then.... i forget. we didn't do much talking tonight... we just listened to each other breathe, so i had all these thoughts running thru my head a mile a minute. from the stupidest thoughts to most serious ones. did you know that they have to write their wills before they go off to battle? that got me thinking about when my dad had to go to bush sr's war.. i was so young back then, and i didn't realize the seriousness of it all. people died. a lot of them. given people die everyday..but what about people that you know and love? people that you just expect to be a part of your life forever. i got to thinking about all the times that i didn't appreciate him enough.. i got to thinking about my other close friend who's in the marines who is just waiting for the word, "go" to pick up his already-packed bags and do just that.. and for what? what are we fighting this war for? some say it's just a fight for oil. some say bush jr. is trying to follow in his daddy's footsteps and try to pick up the economy thru war. some say that this is the war that we've been waiting for to shake things up. what is it for??? and these boys--my friends!--are going out there.. do they know why they're fighting? are they going w/ a worthy cause in mind, or are they just going because their sgt. told them to? and my dad..what happens to him?
Lord, I don't know. That's the theme of my life. I never know. But Lord, that has never been a problem because You are an all-knowing and all-powerful God. You are the giver of good things... even to someone like me. Lord, I pray for my friends that You have called out to battle. Protect them Lord. Bring them home soon. Lord, use this to remind us that we are always in a spiritual battle. Use this as a reminder to me to pray for the world that does not yet know You. Lord You say that You have a purpose for all things. You have never been wrong. Help me to trust in that...
