oh me of little faith..
i had another gawi (scissors) experience last night. this time, i woke up with a start in my heart.. kinda like when you get scared and your heart jumps into your throat? then all of a sudden, i felt pressure on top of me (i was on my side), like someone was leaning their body weight on me. i kinda envisioned some kind of demonic looking thing in my head, but i don't think i actually saw anything. then it felt like the whole area just where i was sleeping was shaking up and down (not side to side). it would stop, then i'd hear a growl in my ear. then it'd started all over again: shake. stop. growl. shake. stop. growl. again and again. i started praying as i usually do, knowing that it would eventually stop, and it did.. or so i thought.. it started up again! so at this point, i'm mentally crying and screaming "Jesus, I need you! Jesus, I need you!" and the most disturbing thing of all was that during that second bout, i doubted that He would save me...
when it finally stopped, i grabbed my Bible and clung to it. i read a chapter of Job, but it didn't really do much to calm me. i slept with my light on.
it's been a long time since i've had one of those, and even longer since i was actually scared after one. i used to get them so often, it just became one of those things i accepted as being part of my nightly rest. i remember when i used to get them nightly, tkd andy told me that i must be the devil's child.. (or something along those lines -__-) and i got all worried so i spoke to p.eugene about it. he told me that sometimes it just happens. he said that when it does, try to look at my life and see what's going on - am i getting closer to God? further from God? am i tired/stressed? stuff like that. i didn't think that it's been any different lately.. but after my near breakdown last night, i think God's trying to tell me something...
there are so many things i need to change about my life right now, i don't even know where to begin. if it wouldn't trouble anyone reading this too much, prayer for guidance and strength would be much appreciated...
i had another gawi (scissors) experience last night. this time, i woke up with a start in my heart.. kinda like when you get scared and your heart jumps into your throat? then all of a sudden, i felt pressure on top of me (i was on my side), like someone was leaning their body weight on me. i kinda envisioned some kind of demonic looking thing in my head, but i don't think i actually saw anything. then it felt like the whole area just where i was sleeping was shaking up and down (not side to side). it would stop, then i'd hear a growl in my ear. then it'd started all over again: shake. stop. growl. shake. stop. growl. again and again. i started praying as i usually do, knowing that it would eventually stop, and it did.. or so i thought.. it started up again! so at this point, i'm mentally crying and screaming "Jesus, I need you! Jesus, I need you!" and the most disturbing thing of all was that during that second bout, i doubted that He would save me...
when it finally stopped, i grabbed my Bible and clung to it. i read a chapter of Job, but it didn't really do much to calm me. i slept with my light on.
it's been a long time since i've had one of those, and even longer since i was actually scared after one. i used to get them so often, it just became one of those things i accepted as being part of my nightly rest. i remember when i used to get them nightly, tkd andy told me that i must be the devil's child.. (or something along those lines -__-) and i got all worried so i spoke to p.eugene about it. he told me that sometimes it just happens. he said that when it does, try to look at my life and see what's going on - am i getting closer to God? further from God? am i tired/stressed? stuff like that. i didn't think that it's been any different lately.. but after my near breakdown last night, i think God's trying to tell me something...
there are so many things i need to change about my life right now, i don't even know where to begin. if it wouldn't trouble anyone reading this too much, prayer for guidance and strength would be much appreciated...
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