i spent the last hour and a half trying to feed one of scottie's kittens whose mouth had been hardened shut by some sort of mucus it is producing because it is sick. apparently, because its mouth had been shut closed, it hadn't eaten in a few days because it was emaciated and could barely move.

initially, it fought with me because it was having trouble breathing and didn't seem able to swallow and just wanted to be left alone. but i was determined to keep it alive, and was even resolved to stay up all night to do it. and by some miracle it started to drink a little bit of the formula, so i let it lie on the warm heating pad and bundled it up to keep it warm.

i left very briefly to wash my hands, brush my teeth and wash my face. when i came back, the kitten was no longer breathing. it looked so peaceful though.. the first time tonight. maybe this is for the best, but i can't help but feeling like i made it worse. maybe i should've left it with scottie. i took it because i thought i could take better care of it. maybe i touched it too much. maybe i shouldn't have left it alone, even for a second, and i should have kept trying to feed it. i donno.

i feel helpless.