so i haven't been near a computer since i turned in my paper last tuesday. and today, i type all retarded so maybe i'm still not ready.. haha, anyway..
holiday memory:
going to norebang with my entire family: mom, dad, gradnma, haemie, hyungboo(bro-in-law), haerie, miere, uncle, aunt, and baby. quite an interesting excursion i must say.
so this holiday season has not been as happy as i had hoped. but i guess when the entire chung family gets together there's bound to be some conflict.
when my friends talk about their families, i can't help but feel jealous sometimes. our family is not the lovey-dovey type. i think that's where a lot of my aggression comes from. if i wanted something i had to ask for it. if i wanted to be heard i had to make myself heard. my words come out roughest to those people i love. i know i hurt a lot of people because of it, but i donno. i'm sure if i were more aware of myself and my words i could stop it, but usually i'm not. i use words very loosely and that ends up getting me into a lot of trouble. i guilt trip because that's what my parents do to me if they really want to be heard. maybe that's why i deal with criticism better than compliments. b/c criticism means i can work at something. compliments are foreign to me.. i learned to grit my teeth and say thank you, but when ppl compliment me, sometimes i feel like i'm being ridiculed. i know, i know.. i've got problems.
i could write so much more, but.. i guess what i'm trying to say is.. i'm sorry if i hurt you. i don't mean to be so critical. i don't mean to be so demanding. please understand that if i am rough with you, it means i love you. i'm sorry that i'm aggressive and scare you sometimes.. it's just the way i learned to cope with my life. i learned that if i wanted something i had to make it known. i learned that if you care, you point out the other's faults so that they can better themselves and become an even better person. i'm constantly pushing and pushing.. but only because i know you can do it.
this isn't directed at anyone in particular. i guess it's my way of explaining my behavior sometimes.
it's been a tough couple of days... i'm just praying.
i've been retreating a lot. away from God, away from my friends, and into myself. it's not a good thing to do, because i start to get really depressed when i do that. i need to stop looking at myself and look at God. i think this holiday season was the most meaningless christmas in a really long time.. i really didn't feel much joy. i mean.. i felt joy -- to be with my family, my friends.. but i didn't feel JOY. we're celebrating Jesus' birth.. but it just didn't hit me this season.
wow.. this is turning out to be a long post. maybe i was ready to type.. but maybe instead of typing i should be praying.
holiday memory:
going to norebang with my entire family: mom, dad, gradnma, haemie, hyungboo(bro-in-law), haerie, miere, uncle, aunt, and baby. quite an interesting excursion i must say.
so this holiday season has not been as happy as i had hoped. but i guess when the entire chung family gets together there's bound to be some conflict.
when my friends talk about their families, i can't help but feel jealous sometimes. our family is not the lovey-dovey type. i think that's where a lot of my aggression comes from. if i wanted something i had to ask for it. if i wanted to be heard i had to make myself heard. my words come out roughest to those people i love. i know i hurt a lot of people because of it, but i donno. i'm sure if i were more aware of myself and my words i could stop it, but usually i'm not. i use words very loosely and that ends up getting me into a lot of trouble. i guilt trip because that's what my parents do to me if they really want to be heard. maybe that's why i deal with criticism better than compliments. b/c criticism means i can work at something. compliments are foreign to me.. i learned to grit my teeth and say thank you, but when ppl compliment me, sometimes i feel like i'm being ridiculed. i know, i know.. i've got problems.
i could write so much more, but.. i guess what i'm trying to say is.. i'm sorry if i hurt you. i don't mean to be so critical. i don't mean to be so demanding. please understand that if i am rough with you, it means i love you. i'm sorry that i'm aggressive and scare you sometimes.. it's just the way i learned to cope with my life. i learned that if i wanted something i had to make it known. i learned that if you care, you point out the other's faults so that they can better themselves and become an even better person. i'm constantly pushing and pushing.. but only because i know you can do it.
this isn't directed at anyone in particular. i guess it's my way of explaining my behavior sometimes.
it's been a tough couple of days... i'm just praying.
i've been retreating a lot. away from God, away from my friends, and into myself. it's not a good thing to do, because i start to get really depressed when i do that. i need to stop looking at myself and look at God. i think this holiday season was the most meaningless christmas in a really long time.. i really didn't feel much joy. i mean.. i felt joy -- to be with my family, my friends.. but i didn't feel JOY. we're celebrating Jesus' birth.. but it just didn't hit me this season.
wow.. this is turning out to be a long post. maybe i was ready to type.. but maybe instead of typing i should be praying.
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