i am purposefully living in sin.

otherwise that verse yesterday wouldn't have scared me, but it would've encouraged me to be more faithful. the reason i was so scared was because i have the wrong motivations/focus right now. my focus is to do just enough so that i don't get condemned.

what is wrong with me?

Lord, help me to embrace Your Word. Help me to be holy, for You call us to be holy. Lord, I am covered in sin. Please forgive me. Lord, help me to be stronger than that. Be my strength..

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up.
- Hebrews 12:1-3