I just want to be whole again.
I wonder if there was ever a time in my life when I was whole. There must have been. I mean, I think I was a pretty happy kid. I wasn't that deprived. I mean, there were things that I never did that most of the other kids did, but the important thing was that I was happy. I didn't think that it was strange that I used to have lice. I didn't think that it was strange that I my toys were mostly made of things that God had provided rather than man-made ones. I didn't know that people freak out that my parents used to discipline us physically. I didn't know that my mom toiled really hard as a seamstress for Osh Kosh B'Gosh. I thought my mom had the greatest job because we got to go to the company picnics where they gave us free cotton candy. I thought my dad had the greatest job because we got to go to the Christmas parties that the army provides, and their Santa Claus always had candy canes for us. I didn't know that they were both being exploited, and that they knew that they were being exploited, but they did it to feed us, to clothe us, to house us. I was a pretty oblivious kid. I thought our family was the greatest--we went on family trips together. We'd spend weeks on the road in our old van and just GO places. It didn't matter where. Once my dad drove us all the way to Maryland, just for the heck of it. I wasn't as appreciative of these things as I should have been... Have you told your family that you love them today?
As I got older, things changed. The family trips were "uncool" so I'd argue and argue then somehow convince them to let me and my older sister stay home. My dad videotapes everything, but when I got older, that was "uncool" too, so I'd hide my face from it. All the things that I thought were cool about my family became objects of shame to me. I never learned to communicate with my family. To this day, I don't think I've had a serious and real conversation with any of my family members, minus my older sister. It's so sad. God blessed me with the best older sister anyone could wish for. I have 2 younger sisters, but I wasn't much of a sister to them. In fact, I don't really know them that well. How sad, huh? I don't know my own little sisters. I wish I had been a better sister. I wish I could have been as good as my older sister was to me.
But as I sit here and try to piece together the tiny shards that is my life, I can't do it. I keep putting the pieces in the wrong place, and I end up feeling worse than before. I know that the only One that can fix me is God. That I need to really really trust Him. But how do I do that? There are so many fragments, and I've made a mess of them trying to put them together on my own. There are so many things that have been pulled apart, and so I don't know what belongs where anymore. I don't know what I've done with it all... How do I let go of it all? Please show me...
All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough. You are my supply, my breath of life still more awesome than I know. You are my reward, worth living for, still more awesome than I know. You're my sacrifice of greatest price still more awesome than I know. You're my coming King, You are everything; still more awesome than I know. All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough. More than all I want, more than all I need, You are more than enough for me. More than all I know, more than all I can see, You are more than enough for me... (Passion - Enough)
I wonder if there was ever a time in my life when I was whole. There must have been. I mean, I think I was a pretty happy kid. I wasn't that deprived. I mean, there were things that I never did that most of the other kids did, but the important thing was that I was happy. I didn't think that it was strange that I used to have lice. I didn't think that it was strange that I my toys were mostly made of things that God had provided rather than man-made ones. I didn't know that people freak out that my parents used to discipline us physically. I didn't know that my mom toiled really hard as a seamstress for Osh Kosh B'Gosh. I thought my mom had the greatest job because we got to go to the company picnics where they gave us free cotton candy. I thought my dad had the greatest job because we got to go to the Christmas parties that the army provides, and their Santa Claus always had candy canes for us. I didn't know that they were both being exploited, and that they knew that they were being exploited, but they did it to feed us, to clothe us, to house us. I was a pretty oblivious kid. I thought our family was the greatest--we went on family trips together. We'd spend weeks on the road in our old van and just GO places. It didn't matter where. Once my dad drove us all the way to Maryland, just for the heck of it. I wasn't as appreciative of these things as I should have been... Have you told your family that you love them today?
As I got older, things changed. The family trips were "uncool" so I'd argue and argue then somehow convince them to let me and my older sister stay home. My dad videotapes everything, but when I got older, that was "uncool" too, so I'd hide my face from it. All the things that I thought were cool about my family became objects of shame to me. I never learned to communicate with my family. To this day, I don't think I've had a serious and real conversation with any of my family members, minus my older sister. It's so sad. God blessed me with the best older sister anyone could wish for. I have 2 younger sisters, but I wasn't much of a sister to them. In fact, I don't really know them that well. How sad, huh? I don't know my own little sisters. I wish I had been a better sister. I wish I could have been as good as my older sister was to me.
But as I sit here and try to piece together the tiny shards that is my life, I can't do it. I keep putting the pieces in the wrong place, and I end up feeling worse than before. I know that the only One that can fix me is God. That I need to really really trust Him. But how do I do that? There are so many fragments, and I've made a mess of them trying to put them together on my own. There are so many things that have been pulled apart, and so I don't know what belongs where anymore. I don't know what I've done with it all... How do I let go of it all? Please show me...
All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough. You are my supply, my breath of life still more awesome than I know. You are my reward, worth living for, still more awesome than I know. You're my sacrifice of greatest price still more awesome than I know. You're my coming King, You are everything; still more awesome than I know. All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough. More than all I want, more than all I need, You are more than enough for me. More than all I know, more than all I can see, You are more than enough for me... (Passion - Enough)
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