*sigh* so i'm back at work today. well, i was here yesterday too, but there was stuff to do, i suppose. today, there's not much stuff. haha, but it's all good.. i still get paid. hehe~
i've been struggling trying to finish up my missions testimony. for some reason, i can't seem to find the right words to convey what i'm feeling. because, yes, i'm glad that i went on missions. but i don't know.. i still have these bad feelings. i can't even describe what it is i'm feeling, because quite frankly, i don't know. it's just been really up and down. there will be times when i remember japan, and i'll be so happy that i went. then there are those times when i wonder still why i went and why i don't feel like i've changed at all. it's hard to try and balance out the two. i haven't found a middle ground yet. i'm just kinda of floating around in midair somewhere, but not anywhere. (i'm sure this makes sense to anyone...) blah.. i don't know. it's not like i expect people to understand, but i guess i sorta wish there was some way to get rid of these feelings. some way to find the words or the right thing to do or say or.. yeah.. just some way to get it out so that it wouldn't be bugging me... you know what i mean? hehe, probably not.
seriously though.. these past few weeks, i've just been elated too. (i go thru MAJOR swings) but i look around and see all these blessings. seriously--blessings heaped upon blessings. and i'm just so amazed. i wonder what God sees when He sees me. most likely i don't make Him happy always, but i would like to think that He's kind of proud of me... you know? like the way my daddy looks at me--i know he's not always too happy with what i've done with myself, and he wishes that i could see why he wants me to do the things he wants me to do, and he wishes that we could communicate better, but.. underneath all that, he's proud of me. i guess that should be my goal.. to make it so that God can be proud of me... this is a very random thought that literally appeared from thin air.. hehe~ this is what happens when there is nothing to do...
Lord help me to make you proud.. I want so much to be secured in Your Love. To know that You will never let me go, but sometimes I take advantage of that, too. x( I wish that I could find a balance. Lord, help me to be compelled by Your Love. That all of my time, down to the very second, is used in fulfilling Your Plan. I want so much to be changed... Lord change me~
i've been struggling trying to finish up my missions testimony. for some reason, i can't seem to find the right words to convey what i'm feeling. because, yes, i'm glad that i went on missions. but i don't know.. i still have these bad feelings. i can't even describe what it is i'm feeling, because quite frankly, i don't know. it's just been really up and down. there will be times when i remember japan, and i'll be so happy that i went. then there are those times when i wonder still why i went and why i don't feel like i've changed at all. it's hard to try and balance out the two. i haven't found a middle ground yet. i'm just kinda of floating around in midair somewhere, but not anywhere. (i'm sure this makes sense to anyone...) blah.. i don't know. it's not like i expect people to understand, but i guess i sorta wish there was some way to get rid of these feelings. some way to find the words or the right thing to do or say or.. yeah.. just some way to get it out so that it wouldn't be bugging me... you know what i mean? hehe, probably not.
seriously though.. these past few weeks, i've just been elated too. (i go thru MAJOR swings) but i look around and see all these blessings. seriously--blessings heaped upon blessings. and i'm just so amazed. i wonder what God sees when He sees me. most likely i don't make Him happy always, but i would like to think that He's kind of proud of me... you know? like the way my daddy looks at me--i know he's not always too happy with what i've done with myself, and he wishes that i could see why he wants me to do the things he wants me to do, and he wishes that we could communicate better, but.. underneath all that, he's proud of me. i guess that should be my goal.. to make it so that God can be proud of me... this is a very random thought that literally appeared from thin air.. hehe~ this is what happens when there is nothing to do...
Lord help me to make you proud.. I want so much to be secured in Your Love. To know that You will never let me go, but sometimes I take advantage of that, too. x( I wish that I could find a balance. Lord, help me to be compelled by Your Love. That all of my time, down to the very second, is used in fulfilling Your Plan. I want so much to be changed... Lord change me~
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